


God Only Knows

by waytotheend



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Angst, Buck is a DEA agent, Eddie is still a firefighter, Long, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:54:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 28,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24426100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waytotheend/pseuds/waytotheend
Summary: The first time they meet Eddie doesn’t know what to make of DEA Special Agent Evan “Buck” Buckley. Caught in the chaos of a fire, Eddie barely has time to acknowledge him. And yet, the universe seems determined to throw the two together again, and again until slowly something starts growing between them. Because Buck is always there, cutting into his life without Eddie even noticing. Can they be what the other needs?
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 67
Kudos: 224





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so, I don't even know where the idea for this came from but next thing I knew I was 10,000 words deep into this AU. This is slow burn so buckle up people! Title from King & Country's song God Only Knows.

_God only knows what you've been through_   
_God only knows what they say about you_   
_God only knows how it's killing you_

The day the met for the first time started like any other Tuesday. A few routine calls that had kept the 118 busy around town, but nothing big enough to be considered out of the ordinary. They were headed back to the station when dispatch diverted them to a house fire a few blocks over. They weren’t given many details and they had definitely not been made aware of the clamoring crowd gathered in the street.

As soon as the truck pulled up to the fire, it became evident that it was not going to be a routine call. Cars were parked in the middle of the road and people were forming a cordon blocking the house on fire from being reached.

“What the hell…” Chimney’s voice sounded just as incredulous as they were all feeling. They were used to people blocking police, but they were firefighters; everyone loved firefighters, they were the Spider-Man of first responders as far as Eddie was concerned.

A woman stepped forward from the crowd. She went right up to Bobby’s face blatantly ignoring the Captain insignia on his helmet. “We don’t want you here! That house is full of junkies, you can turn around and leave!”

“Ma’am, I need you to move out of the way. We don’t let people burn, no matter the crime.”

“There ain’t nobody to rescue in there!” someone else piped up from the back of the line. “And if there are, let them burn I say!”

Bobby was a patient man, he had to be considering his rank and what they had to get through day in, day out, but he also had a temper when it came to idiots obstructing them during a call. It was no surprise when he stood up straighter and took a step forward, dropping the pleasantries.

“I will have you all arrested. It’s against the law to interfere with an active rescue operation. Step back.” 

Eddie felt silly just standing by the truck waiting for Bobby to give them instructions. They all knew what to do, but they had to wait and Eddie had full respect for the chain of command and everything but, there was a burning building, they didn’t even know whether there were people inside waiting to be rescued. Just as he was getting ready to step in between the woman who seemed ready to start a fight and Bobby, police sirens cut through all the noise.

Three cars pulled up to the truck and an officer was quick to jump out and run up to us. The guy was tall, with short blond hair styled away from his face and, because Eddie had never been one for poetic words, quite frankly built like a wall. His shoulders were broad, and a black fireproof vest was hugging his chest tightly, bright yellow letters spelling out DEA. 

“Are you the Captain?” the officer asked Bobby. He looked tense but not panicky, shoulders set into a straight line, and eyes hard and focused. “Have you pulled anyone out yet?” 

Bobby shook his head. “Civilians are obstructing us; we haven’t been able to search the house yet.”

“I’ll take care of that. Avoid the basement, that’s most likely where the fire started. The house is a cover for a lab. You guys got this?” His eyes traveled away from Bobby and met Eddie’s and Eddie had to admit that he kind of felt himself freeze for a second. He had been told a few times in the past that he had the worst poker face whenever he found someone attractive.

“You get these people out of the way, and we will get you whoever you’re here for,” Bobby addressed the agent again, pulling his attention away from Eddie.

“You got it, Cap.” He turned around to the other officers and started calling them forward. “Cruz, Williamson, start pushing these people back. Erin, Dawson, open a way to the front for the firefighters.” 

Bobby finally turned to them. “Okay, Eddie, Chim, you guys are on search and rescue. Martin, Sam, you guys go ventilate the roof. C’mon guys, let’s go!” 

Eddie quickly grabbed his halligan, pushed his mask down on his face, and ran inside the house. As soon as he kicked down the door unbearable heat hit him fully despite the turnout gear he had on. 

“I’ll take the first floor, you start here,” he shouted at Chimney who nodded and left. Eddie assessed the situation. The smoke was getting thicker and visibility was diminishing. Keeping one had to the wall, he made his way upstairs and started searching the rooms. “LAFD call you!” 

“ _Eddie, Chimney, do you guys copy?_ ” 

Eddie fumbled with his radio. “Go ahead.”

“ _The smoke is turning black. You guys got a minute and then I’m calling it. We’re starting the lines now._ ” 

“Copy that, Cap.” 

“ _Eddie, I can’t find anyone down here. You ready to head out?”_

“Yeah, Chimney, just one room left.” 

Finally getting to the end of the corridor, Eddie kicked down the last door and called out again. “LAFD! Anybody here! Call out!” 

The room was at the back of the house, the farthest away from the basement and because the door had been kept locked, the smoke wasn’t as dense in there. Eddie did a quick sweep of the room and was about to leave before he remembered to check under the bed. He crouched down to the floor and looked under it, words dying in his throat when he saw the two kids huddled up together, faces covered with a t-shirt. He wondered if someone had left them there or if they knew that keeping their faces covered would keep them safer. Eddie reached out, moved the t-shirt out of the day and shook the arm of the kid closest to him.

“Hey, LAFD, can you hear me?” 

The boy coughed but didn’t open his eyes and as far as Eddie was concerned, he’d still take that as a win. He checked the other kid and then called Chimney.

“Chimney, I need help upstairs. Bedroom on the northeast side of the house. Two kids, one is unresponsive.” 

“ _Coming up, Eddie_.”

Eddie got to his feet and pushed the bed out of the way. The two kids were still curled up together. He quickly separated them and got them on their backs. Judging by their appearance they seemed to be a few years apart, one of them at least as young as Christopher. He got one kid over his shoulder just as Chimney ran inside the room. 

“Take the other kid. Meet you outside.” 

Eddie took his mask off and put it over the boy’s face before running out of the room. He tried to keep his breath shallow as not to inhale whatever fumes might be burning in the fire. The smoke was almost black at this point and Eddie barreled towards the front door and down the front steps. Dizziness hit him just as he breathed in the first lungful of fresh air and he would have dropped the kid if not for the man quickly grabbing him from over his shoulder. 

“Hey man, I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to give your mask away.”

Eddie looked at the blond officer from before who was now laying the kid down on a stretcher, the paramedics quick to rush him to the ambulance. Eddie tried to take another breath and ended up coughing again.

“He needed it more than me.”

The agent shook his head in disbelief, a small smile stretching his lips.

Hen came up to them with a second stretcher just as Chimney exited the house. He handed the kid over to another paramedic and then turned his attention to the DEA agent.

“Buck, boy am I glad to see you for once.” 

The familiarity in his tone took Eddie by surprise.

“I’ll make sure to tell Maddie that. Anyway, you guys found anyone else in there? Dead or alive? Adult, male.”

Chimney shook his head. “No. This one of your cases?” 

“Yeah, got called in by one of our CIs.” 

Eddie noticed that Buck made sure to keep out of the way while keeping up with the conversation with a familiarity that confused Eddie to no end.

Hen apparently could read Eddie’s mind because she took the question out of his mouth. “I’m sorry, how do you guys know each other?”

Buck’s blue eyes met his again. Eddie was, for some stupid reason, incredibly conscious of the state he was in. He was pretty sure his hair was plastered to his forehead and his face covered in soot. 

“Buck here is my brother in law,” Chimney cleared up.

“Not until you put a ring on it, Howard.” Buck relaxed for a moment, shoulders slumping, lips stretched into a teasing grin.

Chimney rolled his eyes and then slipped back into his more composed persona. “Right, let’s go see where Bobby needs us. You hanging around, Buck?”

“Yeah, gotta wait for the fire to be put out. Gotta talk to the witnesses as well. Boring police stuff.”

Chimney scoffed. “DEA is never boring, Buckley.”

Buck’s lips stretched into a satisfied smile. “I know. See you Saturday.” He quickly looked at Eddie, hesitated for a second, and then gave a polite nod before turning around and walking back to his unit. Eddie observed him for a moment taking in the way he had so quickly slipped back into officer mode. 

Eddie had about a million different questions to ask Chimney, but Bobby called him over and set him up with a line. He pushed the thought of Special Agent Buckley out of his mind and focused on his job. 

By the time the truck parked in the apparatus bay of the 118, exactly five hours after they had been called to the house, Eddie felt like he had melted and fused with his seat. He had spent the drive back to the station with his head tilted back and his eyes closed. Eddie hated structure fires, they could always go wrong in a million different ways and now he didn’t even feel strong enough to get out of the truck to drag himself to the showers. 

“Eddie, you okay?” 

Bobby’s voice startled him, and it took Eddie a second or two to realize that the voice was coming from next to him and not through the radio. He rubbed his eyes and unbuckled himself before standing up on wobbly legs.

“All good, Cap.”

Bobby stood aside while Eddie climbed out of the fire truck. “You gonna be okay to drive yourself home?” 

“I will be after a shower and coffee.”

“Good job, today.” Bobby patted him on the shoulder, and it was a testament to how tired Eddie felt that he almost toppled over. 

Eddie felt like he was moving through the motions as he went into the locker room, grabbed a change of clothes, and went to take a shower. By the time he felt clean enough and had changed, he was ready to drink a gallon of coffee, drive home, and sleep for the next two days. He loved his job, he felt like it gave him purpose, and yet some days felt endless in a way that made the exhaustion seep down into his bones. 

The smell of freshly brewed coffee lured him upstairs to the kitchen. Chimney and Hen were sitting at the table already out of their uniforms. He could admit that the enforced camaraderie of the station life had probably been what originally drawn him to the job, what he had missed the most after leaving the army. They spent 56 hours a week together, not counting the overtime, and still, here they were at the end of a shift just hanging out together. 

Bobby silently walked over and put a mug in front of Eddie when he let himself fall heavily in one of the metal chairs around the table.

“What are you two gossiping about?” he asked.

Chimney shrugged and Hen rolled her eyes. 

“I was asking Chimney here about his Special Agent Buckley.”

“He’s not my Special Agent,” he rebutted. “He’s Maddie’s younger brother. I see him once a week for our weekly game night.”

Eddie scoffed. “You host a game night?”

“Maddie does and it’s pretty awesome. Josh from dispatch comes too.”

“And you never invited us because?” Hen probed.

“Because you guys are lame and Eddie’s reaction to finding out about it is all I need to know that I made the smart choice in keeping you in the dark.”

Bobby took a seat and shrugged. “I for one think that game nights are underappreciated. Athena and I do them all the time with the kids and Michael.”

“Thanks, Cap. Anyway, Buck is okay once you peel back the flirtatious façade and get to know him a little.”

“He seems pretty young to be a Special Agent.” Eddie didn’t even know he had an opinion about that until the words were out of his mouth. 

“Graduated top of his class in the academy. He almost became a firefighter, but his Pops was a cop, so he followed in his steps. He’s the one who got Maddie the job at dispatch when she moved to LA. He volunteers at the station over at 136 too. Guy is an adrenaline junkie.”

Hen got up to bring her empty mug over to the sink. “Sounds like you should invite him next time we go out.” 

Chimney laughed. “Why are you guys so interested in him?”

Hen walked back over to the table, picked up her bag and jacket. As she was going down the stairs, she turned to shout over her shoulder, “We never meet new people unless they’re candidates joining the station. If you know someone new who’s interesting, you’ve gotta bring him along.”

“I’ll ask Maddie to invite him next time, alright?” 

Eddie’s eyes fell on the clock hanging on the wall and he shot to his feet swearing. “I gotta go. See you guys in two days.” He quickly collected his things and followed Hen out.

“Where’s the fire?” she asked. 

“My Abuela had Chris for the night and I was supposed to go get him this morning.” 

“Any luck finding a special home aid yet?” 

“No. I’m ready to hire the first person that comes through the door.” 

Hen bumped his shoulder in solidarity. “You know, Karen has been spending more time home since we got Nia if you ever need us to look after Christopher, just let us know.” 

“Thanks, Hen, but I have to find a more permanent solution.” 

They parted ways when they reached their cars and Eddie could barely remember the drive over to his Abuela's house. He was supposed to finish at 7 am but the extra hours came with being a firefighter. Still, Eddie couldn’t help but feel like as much as he was working hard to provide for his son, he was letting him down anyway on the account of hardly ever being around. When he finally got to his abuela’s, he found his aunt Pepa sitting on the front steps with Chris next to her, his crutches laying down next to him. 

It spoke volumes on how often this happened that when he got out of his truck and walked over, Pepa barely spared him a disapproving glance before she was getting up. Eddie crouched down in front of his son and leaned forward to meet him halfway into a hug. 

“Morning, _mijo_ , were you good for your aunt and Abuela?” 

Pepa rolled her eyes. “He’s not the one I have to worry about.” 

Eddie pulled away from Christopher and ruffled his hair before looking at his aunt again. “Hey, Chris, why don’t you go get your stuff, huh? Then we can go have breakfast.” 

Chris looked excitedly at his father. “Pancakes?”

“A whole stack just for you, kid.” 

Chris nodded furiously and Eddie watched him pick up his crutches and walk inside. Once he was finally out of earshot, Eddie turned back to Pepa. “I’m sorry, I just…” 

“I know, you’re looking for the right person.” 

What he didn’t want to say was that after Shannon, Chris’s mom, had died, Eddie had been even more cautious about who he was letting in his son’s life. He couldn’t just settle for someone who wasn’t going to be committed full time or someone who, one week in, was going to turn around and say that it was too much for them. It was also true that in the two years they had been living in LA, everyone from the fire station had helped in some way or another.

As if she could read his mind, Pepa sighed deeply and shook her head. “Your Abuela can’t keep watching him. I know your friends look after him when they can, but don’t you think Christopher needs some stability?”

“I will make it okay, I promise.” 

Chris came out of the house and barreled towards his father. “I already said bye to Abuela. Bye Aunt Pepa.” 

Eddie and Pepa laughed at Chris’ excitement. Eddie scooped him up and left a kiss on his aunt’s cheek. “Thank you so much for helping us out.”

She patted his cheek and shook her head. “You’re family.” 

Two days later, on another quiet shift that Eddie was praying stayed that way, he looked away from where he was cleaning the ladder truck and saw Buck walking towards the fire station. Without his uniform on, dressed in cream khakis and a pink sweater, his hands shoved into his pockets and a crooked grin on his face, Buck looked less intimidating and a lot younger. His blue eyes were shining under the sun and his hair looked blonder than it had the first time Eddie had seen him. When he reached Eddie, his smile turned shy and his eyes broke eye contact. 

Eddie stopped wiping the truck and let the sponge he’d been using to drop in the bucket by his feet. “Hey, Special Agent Buckley.”

He grimaced. “Please, just Buck, I’m off duty.” 

“Okay, I’m Eddie.” He tried to smile but he felt awkward. Should he go for a handshake? That was probably what Buck was expecting but all Eddie could think about was that his hands were dirty and wet, and nobody would want a dirty wet handshake right? And then there was how Buck was looking at him. 

Buck’s gaze was intense, pensive, and Eddie was trying to figure out why a DEA agent would come around a firehouse. Eddie figured Buck was probably looking for Chimney, it made a lot more sense than any other explanation he could come up with. Just as he was working up the courage to ask, Chimney came up to them from the other side of the truck. He darted a glance between Buck and Eddie and then settled on the latter.

“Hey, Buck.”

“Chim, what’s up.”

Chimney looked just as clueless about Buck’s presence as Eddie felt.

“What brings you here my dearest brother-in-law?”

“I went by the hospital to check on the two kids you guys pulled out from the fire the other day.” Eddie noticed that while he spoke Buck’s eyes mainly remained fixed on him. “I figured I’d let you know how they were doing; I know they don’t usually tell you anything once you drop someone off.” 

Eddie felt himself smile. “Thanks man.” 

He accepted Buck’s reasoning for what it was, but Chimney looked suspicious. He arched an eyebrow as he stared at Buck and smacked his ever-present chewing gum. “Huh, very zealous of you, Buckaroo.”

Buck’s cocky grin came back with Chimney’s sarcastic praise. “You know me so well.” Buck looked between Chimney and Eddie and then his eyes settled on Eddie. “So, listen, I was thinking…” 

The bell ringing loudly around them cut Buck off. He frowned and tried to go on, but Chimney was already pulling Eddie towards the truck. 

“This will have to wait, Buck,” Chimney teased. “Better luck next time.” 

Buck threw his hands up in frustration eliciting a laugh from Chimney. 

Eddie quickly pulled his turnout gear on and jumped on the truck. As they drove away, he stared as Buck got smaller and smaller in the side mirrors. 

***

For once Eddie didn’t mind the sun and the heat. Christopher was playing a few feet away with Denny (Hen and Karen’s son) and Harry (Bobby and Athena’s son). Eddie felt relaxed and all he wanted to do was close his eyes for a moment and just let the sun melt him. He had almost accomplished his plan when suddenly Chris shrieked and that was enough to switch Eddie’s alert mode on. 

He shot to his feet and was ready to shout for Christopher when his eyes found his son laying on the grass, a big dog standing over him licking his face. 

“What the hell…” Eddie cursed and ran over to the kids. He was just about to somehow get Chris free when two things happened at once. For one he noticed that Chris’ shriek had been in delight and not fear and two, Buck was running up to them, apologies already falling from his lips. 

“Bear, Bear stand down!” Buck picked the dog in his arms and kept him tight against his chest. Bear was wagging his tail, his tongue rolled out of his mouth. “Boy, I told you not to run away.” Buck finally seemed to realize that Eddie was there. He put Bear down, his hands doing a quick job of clipping the leash back on. “Eddie, hi, I’m so sorry.” Then his eyes moved to the three kids staring at him and his face completely melted into a fond expression. 

This guy wore his emotions on his sleeve in a way that Eddie found disarming. He was different from the intimidating officer from the fire a few weeks back. For the first time in a few days, Eddie found himself thinking about Buck’s visit to the fire station, wondered what Buck had been about to say just before the bell rang.

“Hey guys, this is Bear,” he spoke directedly to the kids, a big smile on his face. “I’m Buck.”

“Can-can I pet him please?” Chris’s eyes were big and imploring as he looked to the officer. 

Eddie was about to cut in when Buck smiled even more openly and kneeled on one knee, his arm going around Bear, tucking him in close to his side.

“Of course, you can.” He turned to the dog, his expression growing serious. “Now Bear, listen up, you gotta behave for the kids, don’t embarrass me again.” Bear’s answer was to lick Buck across the face and then lay down, patiently letting the three kids pet him. 

Buck looked at Eddie, his face set in a remorseful grimace. “I’m so sorry, I’m still trying to train him properly. He doesn’t really like being told what to do.” 

“You named your dog Bear?” 

Buck laughed wholeheartedly. He got to his feet and Eddie noticed for the first time that Buck towered over him a little. He had never let himself notice _things_ about guys. The years in the army, and his father’s comments always stopping him from letting his eyes linger on any guy for too long. Not thinking about it didn’t mean that Eddie didn’t know though. He could recognize when an attractive man was standing right in front of him and Buck, with his built and confidence, fell into that category. 

“I didn’t, his handler did. He was training for the K9 squad and didn’t pass. Poor guy just wanted to chase tennis balls and ended up being kicked off the program. His handler is one of my best friends, said Bear reminded him of me.” 

Eddie felt himself smile. This was easy, the awkwardness from a few days ago gone. “You reminded him of a dog?”

“Well, he doesn’t like to be told what to do, I might have been reprimanded once or twice for the same thing.”

“And they still made you a special agent?” 

Buck shrugged and then nervously run a hand on the back of his neck. Eddie did a mental doubletake at that. It suddenly dawned on him that Buck was nervous. Why was he nervous? Why was Eddie getting nervous now?

“What can I say, it’s hard to say no to this face.” 

“I’ll bet.” The words stumbled out of his lips and sent Eddie’s stomach plummeting to the floor. “I mean… I,” he tried to correct and was thankfully saved by Hen appearing at his side. 

“Hello, Buck.” 

Buck straightened his back and lost all traces of shyness and turned on a charming smile. “Hi, it’s nice to see you again.” 

Hen seemed surprised by the politeness. “You too.” 

Buck diverted his attention to the kids and crouched down so he could look at them in the eyes. Eddie realized in that moment that Buck hadn’t stared at Christopher’s crutches once. He also remembered someone in the fire academy telling him that bending to a kid’s height was the quickest way of making them feel unthreatened, especially in highly emotional situations. He had caught himself doing it more than once with Chris and seeing Buck doing the same made him appreciate the agent even more. Buck seemed aware of his size in a way that suggested he was just as much used to making himself less threatening than he was making himself intimidating while on the job.

“I have to take Bear home now, I’m sorry.” 

“No, Buck,” Chris protested. 

Eddie reached over and ruffled Chris’ hair. “Chris, c’mon _mijo_ , Buck has things to do.” 

Buck looked surprised and Eddie was fully aware of how little of his looks Chris had inherited. Buck’s eyes moved between Eddie and Christopher before settling on the kid with a newfound openness. “Hey, tell you what Chris,” he pulled his wallet out and passed a business card to Chris. “Have your dad call me when you guys are free, and we can meet up and you can play with Bear.” 

Chris clutched the card between his hands as it was something precious and smiled brightly before leaning forward to hug him around the legs. Buck laughed, one hand clasping Bear’s leash securely and the other squeezing Chris's shoulder. 

“You’re good with kids,” Hen commented. 

Eddie was ashamed to realize that he had forgotten she was standing right next to him. 

“Oh, I love them, always have.” 

“C’mon kids,” Hen intervened when they were still scratching Bear behind the ears and not showing any signs of letting go. “Let Buck go home, okay?” She looked between Eddie and Buck, took in the way in which they were trying to be subtle about stealing glances at each other, it seemed they needed a little nudge. “Why don’t you come out with us on Friday? We’re going to the karaoke bar by Pike, it’ll be fun.” 

Buck seemed surprised by the invitation but also incredibly pleased and hesitant all at once as if debating whether they meant it or if they were just being courteous. 

Eddie found himself echoing Hen’s offer. “You should come, even just to help me make fun of Chimney.” 

“You can help us both with that,” Hen cut in. 

Finally, Buck nodded. “I will. Just text me the address,” his eyes found Eddie’s, “Chris has my number now.” 

Hen laughed out loud at that, a teasing smile on her face. She clapped Eddie on the shoulder. “Yeah Eddie, have Chris get in touch with Buck.” 

Eddie rolled his eyes and Buck must have taken that to mean that Eddie wasn’t comfortable with the teasing because he hurriedly corrected himself. “Don’t mind me, I can just ask Chimney. Thank you for the invite guys.” He took a step back, tugged on Bear’s leash, and, after one last smile aimed at the kids, he walked away. 

“Eddie, wow, that was awkward for everyone involved.” 

Eddie turned confused eyes to Hen. “What are you even talking about?” 

“I’m pretty sure that very fine man was trying to get you to text him.” She turned her attention to his son then. “Chris, buddy, make sure your dad calls Buck about that playdate, alright?” 

Chris nodded enthusiastically. 

***

Eddie had a routine in place for his days off. He let Chris come and wake him up at 6 am, then Eddie would do a very bad job of warming up some store-bought waffles, then they worked out together (well Eddie worked out while Chris did his stretches) and then they got ready for the day ahead. Eddie would drop Chris off at school and then do mundane things like groceries, laundry, and more working out. Sometimes he would spend time fixing up the garden, but today he just wanted to not think about anything at all, so he sat on his back porch, drunk a beer, and read a book until it was time to go get Chris from school.

Hen and Karen had told Eddie to bring Chris over to theirs since they had already arranged for a babysitter. So, after Chris took a nap, Eddie helped him out with his homework, and then took him over to Hen and Karen’s. Hen opened the door with a smile, already dressed up for the night out.

“Nice to see you guys. The sitter is already here so we can go.”

Chris disappeared inside to go play with Denny even before Eddie could say goodbye to him. His son had always been independent, and Eddie was proud of Chris for it but that didn’t mean that there weren’t times when he couldn’t help but think that Chris was growing up too fast.

When they got to the bar, Maddie and Chimney were already there, a beer in front of each and their heads bent close together while they giggled. They were sickening to watch, or maybe Eddie was just jealous, wondering when he’d be able to share something like that again with someone. Eddie let his eyes scan the crowd and he wasn’t even aware he had been looking for Buck until Hen asked Maddie about her brother.

“He never comes out with us,” Maddie dismissed, a hand waving in the air at the absurdity of the thought. “I have stopped asking him a while ago.”

“Eddie and I invited him,” Hen retorted. She sat down while Karen went to the bar to get a round for them. “He said he was going to text Chimney and ask for the time and place.”

Maddie furrowed her brows. “What do you mean you guys asked him?”

“We ran into him a few days ago. We were at the park with the kids and his dog ran away.”

“Oh Bear, he’s the sweetest. Buck saved him; did he tell you?”

Chimney rolled his eyes. “It’s not like they were going to kill him. They were just going to put him up for adoption.”

“Yeah and Buck made sure he didn’t end up in a shelter. I rest my case.”

It was apparent how much Maddie cared about her younger brother. Eddie knew a lot about siblings’ love and how fiercely they’d protect each other, and he couldn’t help but wonder about Buck and Maddie. He knew from the few times he had met Maddie that she was from Pennsylvania and Chimney had told them about Maddie’s abusive husband who was currently in prison serving a sentence for attempted murder. However, Eddie wondered how Buck factored into all of that. Why was he in LA? Why the DEA?

Chimney’s voice cut through Eddie’s thoughts. “Anyway, he never texted me, but this place is kind of the hangout for his team, so if he’s out and about, we’ll probably run into him.”

Eddie still remembered the first time after a long shift when Hen and Chimney had invited him to join them at Macy’s, telling him all about the bar where first responders liked to hang out. Still, in the past two years, they had been in the bar almost every week and Eddie had never seen Buck before, or maybe he hadn’t been paying attention.

Karen came back with the drinks for the table and Eddie let his beer distract him from the mystery that was Evan Buckley. He felt himself relax and joined in with the teasing when Hen started making fun of Chimney and Maddie for their choice of duets.

“You don’t have to partake in the karaoke every time, you should give others a chance,” he joked with them.

Maddie laughed so hard she snorted some beer out of her nose. “You guys, now I wish Buck was here. A few years back he was obsessed with Eye of the Tiger, it’s the best thing ever to watch.”

“Speaking of Buck, someone here has a boy crush,” Hen teased.

Eddie choked on his drink, beer spitting out of his mouth. “I don’t.”

“Can I just point out how I didn’t mention you at all?”

“Yeah, yeah.” He dabbed at his wet t-shirt pointedly ignoring the eyes he could feel on himself. He was just curious about Buck, that was all.

“Do you even like men?” Karen’s question sounded genuine.

Over the years, Eddie had barely addressed to himself the fleeting attraction he sometimes felt over guys, he had most definitely never discussed it with anyone from the station or in his life in general. He wondered if he had let something transpire or if he was just being paranoid about a little bit of teasing. He could always deny it now, Karen had asked after all, but that wouldn’t feel okay. It wasn’t about him being ashamed of who he was, but mostly about never taking the time to figure himself out.

He ended shrugging. “Never really given it much thought.”

Hen looked at him with a raised eyebrow. They were all going to respect his boundaries, but he knew he had no reason to feel anxious about being honest with any of them.

“Well, I doubt Eddie would pick a cop as his first tumble between the sheets after losing his wife.”

Trust Chimney to never filter his comments.

“What’s wrong with dating a cop?” Maddie asked. “My brother might not be the easiest when it comes to opening up about himself, but you know, he’s a good guy.” She shook her head at herself. “He’s a great guy.”

“I’m just saying,” Chimney defended. He put his beer down and turned to face Eddie. “You run into building that are on fire as a career, he chases after criminals who deal drugs and shoot at him before asking questions. What kind of relationship would that even be? You waiting by the phone to hear bad news, him doing the same.” He shrugged. “I couldn’t do it. I don’t know how Bobby does it. Do you remember last year when Athena was assaulted, and we responded to the call?” Chimney shook his head and shivered. “No thank you. And you have a kid to think about.”

Okay. Eddie hadn’t even moved passed acknowledging to himself that he found Buck attractive and here Chimney was giving him all the reasons why he shouldn’t even bother.

As if conjured out of thin air at the mention of so many people talking about him, a group of four men walked inside the bar, Buck at the lead. He was dressed head to toe in black and his badge was still hanging around his neck. He was clapping another guy on the back dragging him through the crowd and towards the bar.

“I think you just summoned him, Maddie,” Eddie joked.

Her eyes moved quickly towards the bar where Buck’s tall blond head could be seen even from their table. “Oh my God, I’m going to go get him.” She started to get up and stumbled a bit. Hen was quick to steady her.

“Maybe someone else should go,” Karen suggested.

Eddie got up. “I’ll go. The next round is on me anyway.”

The place was so packed it took Eddie several minutes to cross the bar and reach Buck who was busy trying to catch the bartender’s attention. He put a hand on Buck’s shoulder and leaned forward so he could be heard over the music.

“I think your badge is stopping you from being served.”

Buck swung around, his eyes wide and frantic before settling on Eddie. He let out a nervous laugh and then looked down at his chest where his badge was on full display. He shook his head at himself and hid it under his t-shirt. “I completely forgot about it. Piece of advice, don’t sneak up on a cop.”

Eddie laughed. “Shouldn’t you be more trained than that?”

“Hey, I’m off duty, I don’t have to be on high alert.”

And yet, his reaction had been nothing if not a knee jerk reaction to being snuck upon. Eddie let his eyes move over Buck’s face for a second, taking in the birthmark on his left eye, how his lips were settled into the usual teasing grin, eyes alight with mirth.

“You didn’t text Chimney.” Eddie wasn’t even aware that he was still hung up about that.

Buck shrugged. Someone bumped into him, yelled to get out of the way if he wasn’t going to order. Buck stepped to the side, a hand closing around Eddie’s bicep to pull him along. There was an old payphone in the corner, and unsurprisingly it was quiet by it.

“I felt awkward.” Buck hesitated, his eyes darting around, looking caged. “You make me feel awkward, nervous and-”

“BUCKLEY!”

Eddie felt inexplicably frustrated. Why did they keep getting interrupted every time? Something in the back of his mind suggested that he did have Buck’s number, he could fix this. And yet, as much as Buck said he was feeling awkward, nervous or whatever else, Eddie was feeling just as unbalanced.

A tall guy came over to them and threw an arm around Buck’s shoulder, tucking him into his side despite being shorter. “Hey man, we sent you because your face usually gets you served the fastest, not to chat someone up.”

Buck rolled his eyes at the teasing and pulled himself away from the hold. “Eddie, this is Santiago, Santiago meet Eddie.”

Deep soulful brown eyes zeroed in on Eddie accompanied by an extended hand. “Name’s Joe.”

Eddie shook his hand. “Nice to meet you.”

“Hey, wait a moment, you’re one of the firefighters from the house a few weeks back.”

He nodded and looked between Buck and Joe. He started to feel even more out of his element and he still had to get the drinks he originally came over for.

“I should probably head back to the others.” His eyes stayed focused on Buck. They held each other’s gaze, and Eddie was still aware of Joe staring between them. “Maddie sent me over to come and see if you wanted to join us.”

“Actually, I brought the guys here to celebrate. Another time, maybe.”

Eddie let a few seconds pass and then nodded. “Yeah, maybe.” He smiled in Joe’s direction and then walked away. When he reached the table, he realized he had completely forgotten to order the drinks, but he didn’t want to go back and risk bumping into Buck again. He accepted Chimney’s teasing with a forced laugh and pushed away thoughts of Buck with every sip of beer he drank.

Two days later, while he was putting Chris’s clothes in the wash, he came across Buck’s business card. It was wrinkled but Eddie could still make out the numbers. Clothes all but forgotten, he sat down on the couch, his phone in one hand and the card in the other. For a few minutes, all he could was staring at his phone. What was he going to say? He didn’t have an excuse to text. They had no nights out planned, nothing in common, and yet, for once Eddie wanted to take a risk despite Chimney’s words still ringing loudly in his head.

He pressed the home button and stared at the screen; Chris’s grinning face looking back at him. Was he going to use his kid as an excuse to see a man he found attractive? Then again, Chris had already asked him twice if he could get a puppy ever since meeting Buck and Bear at the park. He figured, if he got Buck to come over, Chris could get playing with a dog out of his system and that would buy Eddie some time until he’d eventually have to explain to Chris that there was no way they could look after a dog full time.

He opened a new text.

_Hey Buck, it’s Eddie from the 118_

He deleted it.

_Buck what’s up, it’s Eddie_

Delete again.

Eddie’s knee was bouncing, and his hand was clasping the business card in a vicious grip.

_Hey Buck, it’s Eddie. Christopher would like to see Bear if you guys are free._

He read it. And then he read it again. It sounded casual enough and mentioning Chris’s name was sure to make it clear to Buck that Eddie was not, in fact, asking him out. He was about to delete it again when his stupid sweaty thumb slid over the screen and hit sent.

“Fuck sake!”

***

A week. No text. Eddie was going to give up.

“What’s gotten you looking like someone pissed in your cereal?”

Chimney’s question was met with a grunt. It had been a long day. It was hot, people were doing stupid shit that kept making them go out on stupid calls all over town, and the last thing Eddie wanted was to entertain Chimney.

“Eddie?”

“Not in the mood.”

Eddie had no intention of getting off the couch, not for Bobby’s cooking, not to work out, not for anything but a call. He moved around and could feel the synthetic leather of the couch sticking to his legs even through his uniform. Maybe he could go for a cold shower.

“Okay, sorry I asked.”

Eddie felt the weight next to him shift a signal that Chimney had given up on him. Not a second later the bell rang loudly. He pealed himself off the couch and run down to the truck. He refused to put on his turnout gear unless they were responding to a fire.

“LAPD called it in,” Bobby started to explain as soon as they were sitting in the truck on their way to the call.

“LAPD?” Hen voiced everyone’s confusion.

“A perp decided that the best way to escape arrest was to run into an abandoned building. He jumped out of a window, landed on a fire escape that started collapsing right after. He refused to come down and the agents can’t reach him.”

Chimney laughed. “Crime is hard, man.”

When they pulled up to the scene, two police vehicles were parked to the side, a small crowd gathered around. Eddie recognized Buck as soon as he stepped out of the car and saw him standing next to a uniformed officer.

Eddie looked towards the building where a guy was crouching down on what was left of a fire escape balcony.

“Chimney get the aerial in place, Eddie, get ready to go up. Once the ladder is close enough you should be able to reach the guy and pull him over.”

“Copy that, Cap’.”

While Chimney moved the truck closer and got everything ready to extend the aerial ladder, Eddie let himself study Buck. He was a different person when on the job. He was standing to his full height, intimidating without trying, face set into a determined mask. However, his determination seemed to falter when his eyes met Eddie’s, it changed back to indifference just as fast.

Okay, it had been a week since Eddie had texted him and now Buck was acting like he was the one been ignored. If that was how he wanted to play it, then fuck it, Eddie would go along with it. He could tell himself he had tried; he had put himself out there and it had blown up in his face. This was the universe telling him no sir, no happiness for you. With a frustrated huff, he was relieved when Chimney radioed him to say that he was good to start climbing.

Without sparing a second glance at Buck, he quickly went to retrieve his helmet, his rope rescue gear and started climbing up the ladder. Eddie hated this type of rescue. It usually went two ways; either whoever they were trying to save would throw themselves at the ladder and then Eddie had to somehow catch them, or he would have to plea with them until they finally let themselves be saved.

As he climbed to the top, his eyes fell on the ground where Buck was staring intently up at him.

_“Eddie, Buck is not sure whether the guy is armed or not, proceed with caution.”_

Pressing down on the radio, Eddie answered Bobby. “Copy, Cap’, I’ll be careful.”

When the ladder was fully extended and Eddie was close enough to the balcony to be able to assess the situation, he saw the man huddled in a corner, breathing heavily.

“Hey man, you doing okay?”

“I don’t want to go to jail!”

“I’m not here to arrest you okay?” Eddie tied one end of the rope to the ladder and then dangled the other in front of the man. “I’m just here to take you down. The balcony is going to come down any second. You sure you want to free fall 30 feet to the ground?”

The man looked around frantically. He must have known that he had no way out except accepting Eddie’s help, but that didn’t mean his brain was still looking for an alternative.

“I’m going to pass this rope to you, I need you to tie it around your chest and then stand up and walk over to me. I’m going to grab you and I’ll get you down in one piece.”

“No, no dude, no way.”

Eddie had never been a patient man. “Look, I can leave you up here, you can fall, we can call someone to come and scrape you up off the floor, or you can take this rope, get your ass down and go sit comfortably in a patrol car.”

The man looked down at the ground. “Have you seen the size of that man? You think I’m gonna make it to the station with no scratches?”

And okay, Eddie could understand that fear. Police brutality was no joke, but Eddie doubted that Buck, as intimidating and huge as he looked, would lay a hand on a suspect unless he was forced to.

“You’re not helping your case by resisting the arrest.”

“I’m not helping my case by being Mexican.”

“Hey,” Eddie had had enough. “Cut it out, dude. Grab the damn rope before I come over there and drag your ass down.”

Next thing he knew, Eddie was staring down the barrel of a gun. He had been in this situation before, not only since becoming a firefighter but all the times before when he was still in the army.

“Real smart pointing that at me with so many witnesses. What’s your big plan, huh? Shoot me and then what? They won’t send someone else up, you will still fall, and nobody will care enough to help you.”

The gun wavered.

_“Eddie, is that man pointing a gun at you?”_

He was momentarily surprised at hearing Buck’s voice over the radio. He ignored him the same way Buck had ignored him for the past week.

“Man, c’mon, put that away, grab the rope and let’s get out of here.”

A second and then the man put the gun back in his back pocket and grabbed the extended rope. He followed Eddie’s instructions and tied it around his chest.

“Okay, step up to me and give me your hands. I will hold you up, but you’re secured to the ladder. They will lower us down, okay?”

The man nodded and Eddie grabbed him. Using one hand, he talked on the radio. “Chimney I got him, you can lower us down.”

_“Copy, Diaz.”_

“Thank you, brother.”

Eddie ignored the man. He also ignored Buck when he tried talking to him once they were packing up their stuff and the patrol car had taken the perp away. Buck called his name twice and then resigned himself as Eddie got into the truck.

***

Exactly a month later, Eddie was back at the same bar this time drinking alone. The others would get there in an hour or so, but he needed some time alone. Chris still needed someone to look after him, the bills were still piling up, and the feeling of inadequacy still had him in a vice. Not for the first time, he wished Shannon was still around. Granted, even before her death she had given up on him twice but having her around would have at least eased his worries about Christopher’s care. As much as Eddie wanted to act as if nothing was wrong, he couldn’t help but feel like he was dragging his kid down.

His phone vibrated in his pocket and he took it out. Hen texted in their group chat letting them know that the babysitter had backed out at the last moment so she couldn’t make it after all. Eddie was not going to sit and be the third wheel to Maddie and Chimney. He loved them to pieces, but he was incredibly aware of how engrossed they always became in each other, nobody exiting outside of their bubble.

Sighing, he wrote a quick text saying that Chris’ babysitter had called him back to the house, so he wasn’t going to make it either. He pocketed his phone, threw a few bills on the counter, and left. 

As he stepped out, Eddie took a deep lungful of fresh night air. He was going to go hail a cab except that a noise in the alley caught his attention, he saw Buck leaning against the opposite wall, his head thrown back, his eyes staring up at the sky, he looked miserable. Eddie felt rooted to the spot and felt familiar doubt creeping up inside. He wasn’t good at this type of things. Give him someone panicking while being rescued and he could handle it, but he was not the comforting type outside of his uniform, not unless it concerned Chris.

They hadn’t seen each other in a month and Buck had never texted back. It had been long enough that Eddie had rationalized the whole thing. He had been overthinking. Yes, he found Buck attractive but, he had seen him all of four times and he didn’t even know if Buck was anything but straight, and he had also reminded himself that even if Buck had been into guys, it didn’t mean that he was into Eddie. He had gone through their interactions so many times in his head that everything had become distorted. Had Buck even given him any indication that the attraction Eddie was feeling was reciprocated? He hadn't. So, Eddie had shut it all down.

He took a step forward still undecided on whether he was going to step closer to Buck or walk away, but the movement caught the other man’s attention and Eddie found himself staring into watery eyes. Buck had been crying and Eddie didn’t know what to do with that information.

Buck coughed, stepped away from the wall and shoved his hands in the pockets of his jacket. It seemed that however hot it got in LA Buck was always wearing a jacket. Eddie had so many questions about him. Buck could hold his attention in a way that was completely unfamiliar, every step he was taking towards Buck leading further into uncharted territory.

“Hey.” Buck’s voice was low, barely carrying over the distance between them. Eddie just nodded in acknowledgment. “You here with the others?”

And Eddie knew that what Buck really wanted to know was whether someone else he knew was going to see him in this state and Eddie was intimately familiar with the pressing need of concealing your emotions.

“No. Maddie and Chimney are on their way though.”

“You’re not staying?”

Eddie shrugged. This was hard. He wanted to reach out and touch Buck, offer a hug but that was not who he was, and judging by how stiffly Buck was holding himself, neither was Buck. He wondered if someone had invited Buck to join them and then forgot to tell Eddie. 

“I don’t fancy being the third wheel.”

Buck’s lips quirked upwards in an aborted attempt at a smile.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You came here by yourself?” he checked. Buck shrugged and Eddie could take a hint. “Okay, well, I’m gonna go now, nice to see you.”

He turned around already determined to lock Buck up into the big box of “never could have been” stashed at the back of his mind.

“I’m sorry I didn’t text you back.”

That was enough to stop Eddie in his tracks. The last thing he wanted was to have to get through some bullshit explanation. “Don’t sweat it, man.”

“I wanted to but…”

“I said don’t worry about it.” He still didn’t turn around to look at Buck. He kept telling himself this was not what he needed anyway. His life was enough of a mess without trying to drag someone else in it. “Chris was pestering me about getting a dog and I thought playing with yours would be enough to put him off asking for a while, that’s all, no harm done.”

“Eddie…”

The sadness in that one word was enough to make him turn around to find Buck standing a lot closer than before. This was ridiculous. He had seen Buck on a handful of occasions, never had a meaningful conversation with him, and knew almost nothing about him and yet… and yet here they were. Eddie wanted to know more and wasn’t that how things started? Relationships, friendships… _I think you’re interesting, I want to know more about you_.

“I was working a case when I got your message. I couldn’t answer for days and then it felt like too much time had passed, and everything would have sounded like an excuse.”

That also sounded like an excuse to him. Eddie wondered what Buck wanted to hear from him. He needed someone to be less confused than he himself was, but this was a blind leading the blind situation. They were standing here, and nothing made sense especially this attachment he hadn’t been able to shake off.

“Why were you crying?” That was a stupid question. He swore he could see a physical wall descending between them. Well, it looked like Buck didn’t like talking about feelings any more than Eddie did. “Ignore that.”

His phone buzzed in his pocket. He never ignored his phone unless he was with Christopher. When he saw the message from his babysitter, he felt like karma had just hit him. Here he had been twenty minutes ago using her as an excuse to get out of meeting up with his friends, and here she was now asking him to come home.

“I have to go.”

Buck took a step forward, seemed to be thinking hard about something, and then finally offered, “Can I drive you?”

“Buck…”

“It’s the least I can do. I haven’t been drinking and it’ll save you cab fare.”

Eddie wasn’t sure a thirty-minute drive in a car with Buck was a good idea.

“Please,” Buck insisted.

“Okay, but I can’t promise I’ll be good at small talk.”

Buck finally smiled. “I hate small talk. We can sit in silence or I can just fill it by myself.”

Eddie shook his head at him and then followed him over to a dark grey jeep. “Of course, you drive a jeep,” he teased.

“Hey, what is that supposed to mean?”

“It’s an action car, suits you. Chimney used the words adrenaline junkie to describe you.”

Buck laughed. “Were you asking about me, Eddie?”

Eddie was not going to touch that with a ten-foot pole. Apparently, they were just going to ignore whatever had happened and well, Buck was in luck because saving people was the only thing Eddie did better than avoid addressing his feelings. He gave his address to Buck and they turned on the radio, letting the music fill in the silence, the breeze running through the car, taking Eddie’s anger and annoyance out into the night.

It was comfortable, they did silence way better than they did talking and it was strangely comforting to Eddie. He spent so much time at work having to communicate with everyone even when he wasn’t feeling up to it, that it felt calming to just sit somewhere with someone and not having to fill in the silence. And yet, there was a voice in the back of Eddie’s brain suggesting that the only reason why he was enjoying the silence so much was because it let him avoid a confrontation. Silent anger and avoidance had always been his strongest points. It also suggested that just as much as he didn’t want to share what was going on in his mind, Buck probably wanted to share what was on his own even less.

When they reached Eddie’s house, he was grateful to notice that Buck didn’t kill the ignition. This could be quick and painless.

“I can bring Bear over next weekend if you don’t have a shift.”

Eddie wanted to be petty and say no but he could set aside his own feelings for Christopher’s happiness. “Okay, yeah, sure. Sunday sounds good?”

Buck nodded, held Eddie’s gaze for a moment, and then looked to the house. “I think someone is spying on us from behind the curtains.”

Eddie looked in the same direction and caught Chris’s face peeking through the opened curtain in the kitchen.

“I better get going.”

“I’ll see you Sunday, Eddie.”

“See you Sunday, Buck.”

***

When Sunday came around and Buck had finally shown up, Chris was so excited he stumbled over his crutches trying to get to the door to be the one to open it. In a déjà vu of what had happened at the park, Bear was standing over Chris licking his face the second he was inside. Chris was squealing with laughter and Eddie reminded himself that was why he had done it; he could stand a few hours of awkwardness if it meant Chris got to be that happy.

What followed were two hours of Chris monopolizing not only Bear’s attention, but Buck’s too, and Buck didn’t seem to mind; if that did something to Eddie’s heart, well, nobody had to know. After feeding Chris an afternoon snack and Bear his treats (ignoring Buck’s amused look) Chris passed out laying on the grass, Bear cuddled up next to him despite the heat.

“You bought my dog treats.”

Eddie didn’t feel it necessary to bring that up. Buck’s self-satisfied grin could beat it. “It was Chris’s idea, actually.”

“Sure, sure.” Buck took a sip of his beer, his eyes never leaving Eddie’s face and Eddie felt too old to be feeling this fluttery feeling in his stomach.

He distracted himself by drinking his beer and noticing that Buck looked a lot better than he had the night outside the bar, not that he was going to ask about it.

“So, why DEA?”

Buck shrugged. “Kinda just fell into it. My dad used to be a cop, vice squad, I had a bit of an obsession with following in his steps.”

Eddie wished he could relate to that. His relationship with his father was strained at best; there had been a reason after all if he had left El Paso for Los Angeles and maybe chasing after Shannon had been part of it at first, but really, that was more of an excuse than a reason.

“Why a firefighter?” Buck asked back.

“I used to be in the army. After I left, I missed the camaraderie and I wanted to find a way to help people.”

They kept drinking in silence for a while, Eddie’s eyes moving to where Chris was still sleeping to check on him. He wished he could get a dog for them, but their situation was unstable at best. The truth was that more than missing having a wife, he missed having a co-parent, someone to share the difficult things with, someone to support him and tell him that he wasn’t screwing everything up. He wanted someone to have his back.

“Chimney is always telling me stories about you guys, sometimes I feel like I know you all. I know you’re like a family to each other.”

Eddie glanced at Buck and saw the small sad twist of his lips. He wanted to be able to offer comfort, say something like, you can be part of that family too if you want to, but he reminded himself that he didn’t know Buck, he didn’t know what or who Buck had in his life. However, seeing him sitting there now, his goofy dog in the backyard and the defeated slump of his shoulders, Eddie couldn’t help but think that perhaps, he wasn’t the only one feeling lonely.

“Sometimes I still can’t believe we stand to see each other’s faces outside of work,” he deflected. “Especially Chimney.”

That got Buck to laugh, beer spilling down his chin when the laugh caught him off guard in the middle of taking a sip.

Bear came strutting through the opened back door and nudged Buck’s hand with his snout. Buck put his beer down and grabbed the dog’s face between his hands, fingers burying in the thick fur. “How’s my good boy, huh?” He started scratching behind Bear’s ears, a dopey little smile on his face.

“You really love him.”

“Oh yeah. When my friend told me about him, I couldn’t help myself.” He looked at Eddie, mischief clear in his eyes. “He had some troubles following direct orders. I can relate to that.” He shrugged and he looked incredibly young for a moment.

“I bet.”

Buck turned to look at him and Eddie didn’t try to cover up the fact that his eyes somehow always seemed to get stuck to Buck’s face. He took a sip of his beer, held the eye contact, and wondered what the hell he was playing at. He couldn’t bring Buck into their lives, no more than he had already done anyway. Eddie’s job was dangerous, but Buck chased criminals for a living, violent criminals.

He cleared his throat, looked away, shutting the door firmly on whatever he was feeling. “So, what happened at that house fire where we met?”

Buck’s face darkened, his eyes focusing on Bear. “We got inside information that a group of dealers was getting their stuff from that house, but we didn’t have enough evidence. Every time we staked the place all we saw was the two kids and who we think might have been their mother. Then on the night of the fire, one of our CI told us the lab was running and if we got there on time, we’d finally get them. Except some idiot must have set something on fire. The kids are in foster care now, we can’t find their mom and their father is dead. I just… why would you have a drug lab under the house where your family lives? That just doesn’t make sense to me.”

“If it made sense to you, you’d be a criminal, not a cop.”

“I guess.”

Bear circled the carpet a few times and then plopped down on the floor, his snout coming to rest on Buck’s shoes.

“Thank you for bringing him over,” Eddie said.

Buck leaned back against the couch, his head lulling to the side, eyes meeting Eddie’s. He suddenly looked tired. “I just did it for myself. I figured Chris could tire him out enough to make it easier on me tonight when I’m trying to sleep and Bear wants to play tug.”

“I bet you’re one of those people who let their dogs on the bed.”

Buck’s answer was a big smile. Eddie was becoming so accustomed to seeing Buck smiling, that he became even more curious about the other night. He wanted to know what had driven him to tears and to force himself to hang out at a bar even when he so clearly wasn’t in the mood to be with people.

Eddie looked to the garden again, taking in how Chris was still laying in the sun. “You haven’t asked about Chris.”

Buck’s smile turned into a frown. “What about him?”

“About his cerebral palsy.”

“I didn’t think I had to.”

Eddie studied his face and took in the openness of his expression. “No, but most people do anyway.”

“I can see how happy he is, you know? I’ve only met him twice, but I’ve never seen a happier kid.” And then, as if he somehow had gotten into Eddie’s brain and heard the voice in his head telling him that he wasn’t doing enough, Buck softly added, “You’re doing great.”

“I wish I could do more. I’ve been living here for two years and I still don’t have someone who can look after him when I’m on a shift. I don’t want to have a revolving door of babysitters but every time it comes down to picking someone permanently, I just freeze. I can’t afford to pick the wrong person. I’m all he has.”

“I might be able to help with that.” Buck pulled his phone out and scrolled through his contacts. After a while, he clicked on someone’s name and shared the number. Eddie felt his phone buzz on the table.

“That’s Carla’s number, you should give her a call. She’s LA’s finest home health care aid. She can help you figure out how to get Chris everything he needs. I’ve known her for years.”

Eddie was a trained medic and he knew there was no such thing as your heart skipping a beat, and yet, as he stared at Buck, he felt his heart give a painful tug as if starting to beat again after having gone so long without it. He was going to say thank you, but those words felt too overused and not big enough to explain the gratitude he was feeling at that moment. Here someone was, someone he barely knew, extending a helping hand, not reminding him that he wasn’t doing enough but saying, I see you’re struggling, and I want to help. Eddie never thought he’d think something absurd like ' _thank god for a meth lab'_ but at that moment he did.

Buck looked at him tentatively as if he was afraid that he had overstepped some kind of boundary between them, but he also looked satisfied like he had done something good. Eddie wanted to give him the praise he so evidently was seeking. And so, he did what he always did best and deflected his emotions.

“LA’s finest, huh?”

“Yeah, I met her through a friend, a few years back. Her mom was dying, and Carla helped her out a lot. I also used her last year when I was recovering and couldn’t do much more than feeling sorry for myself.”

“Recovering?”

“Yeah, I got shot and, funny thing is, I wasn’t even on duty at the time.”

Eddie did not find anything about that even remotely funny. “Did you get robbed or something?”

“Or something.”

Before Eddie could press the matter, Chris woke up, calling out to Buck who beamed at the attention.

“C’mon Bear, Chris wants us.”

Eddie watched him go. He was pretty sure he was fighting a losing battle with himself.

***

“All I’m saying is that I don’t get him.” Eddie slammed the compartment shut a lot harder than necessary, but he had to take this anger out on something; better a steel sliding door than someone’s face. “He comes over, hangs out with my kid, and then vanishes for weeks.”

Hen nodded distractedly, her attention on the refilling chart for the ambulance. “And he also found you someone to look after Chris?”

The reminder might have taken his anger down a few notches. “Carla is a lifesaver.”

“Okay.” Hen put her clipboard down, crossed her hands, and stared straight at Eddie. “Why is this a problem?”

“Giving me Carla was not a problem.”

“Eddie don’t play dumb; you know what I mean. Listen, dating a cop is not easy, you can ask Bobby all about it and Buck is not just any cop.”

Eddie frowned. He stopped pretending to be checking the equipment and instead turned to look at Hen. “I’m not dating him.”

“My point precisely. He doesn’t have to check in with you and you don’t have to check up on him either. Are you guys friends?”

Eddie shrugged.

“You’re not helping your case. I think you’re freaking out over nothing. If you want to see him, text him, if he wants to see you, he’ll text you. You don’t exactly come across as someone who’s in touch with his feelings, maybe he’s just as wound up about this as you are, have you thought about that?”

“Not really,” he admitted.

“I rest my case.” She jumped off the ambulance, closed the doors, and walked away.

The thing was, Hen wasn’t wrong about any of it, and Eddie wasn’t going to admit to anybody that he wanted to have Buck around, as a friend, that was all, but the guy kept showing up and then disappearing for weeks and it was giving him whiplash. Before he could talk himself into following Hen’s advice, the alarm saved him.

Bobby debriefed them on the way to the call and Eddie was only paying half attention. 

“We’re heading to a building fire in a high rise. It’s a five-alarm call, when we get there, we will find the incident commander and go from there, okay?”

They all nodded, and nobody said anything else. When they got to the high rise it was pure chaos. The building was mostly engulfed in flames and between the other units deployed to the scene and the ambulances in stand-by it was hard to keep track of anything.

“Hen, Eddie, start helping with triage. Chimney, come with me.”

“On it, Cap’,” they all answered unanimously.

Eddie wouldn’t even have noticed Buck if not for the fact that an EMT was fighting with him. He was covered in soot and dried blood and Eddie felt his stomach drop.

“Buck?”

When Buck turned around, his eyes didn’t focus right away, and Eddie was already moving forward to start checking him before the EMT that was trying to treat Buck steps between them. The woman put a hand on Buck’s chest and physically stopped him in his tracks.

“Agent Buckley, stand down.”

“Listen, I…”

“I don’t care who you have in there, you can’t go back inside. You’re not a firefighter, you have no equipment and the last thing anyone here needs is one more body to pull out of there.”

Eddie couldn’t help but admire her firm tone. It wasn’t easy to tell Buck what to do, he had confessed as much, but her voice somehow got through to him and stopped him from trying to push past her. His shoulders dropped and he looked at the building.

“My partner…”

Eddie stepped up to them. “Buck, what’s going on?”

The EMT looked between them and then raised her hands. “Please, if you know him, get him to the triage area and tie him down for fuck’s sake.”

Eddie suspected she only left Buck in his care because Eddie was himself a first responder and partially because she had had enough of Buck’s antics.

“What did you do to piss her off that much?”

Buck shrugged and then coughed. Eddie rolled his eyes and started pushing him back towards the triage tent. When Buck planted his feet, Eddie felt as if he was trying to move a mountain. He relented, grabbing Buck’s arm and getting him to sit on the curb.

“Eddie, let me go. I have to…”

“You don’t have anything to do except sit your ass down and let someone check you over.”

“I’m fine.”

Eddie snorted. “You keep using that word and I’m not sure you know what it means.”

“It was just a little smoke and…”

“Buck,” he cut him off. He put his hands on Buck’s shoulder, searching his eyes until Buck was looking back. “Sit down, let me look you over and don’t be in the way.”

Buck slumped down. He let Eddie check him over, pulling out what he needed out of his bag and starting to take his vitals. “Your oxygen levels are not looking that great.” He didn’t have oxygen with him, but he took his mask and unceremoniously shoved it in Buck’s face. “Take slow deep breaths.”

Buck was glaring at him through the mask and Eddie could not have cared less.

“What the hell happened?” Buck pulled the mask away from his face and Eddie pushed it back. “We can talk over the radio through that thing so you can talk to me without taking it off.”

A roll of eyes, a cough, and then Buck spoke. “Joe went inside to check one of the apartments. He was supposed to wait for me, but he didn’t. By the time I got here the fire was already spreading. I…” his voice broke with another coughing fit. Eddie was pretty sure he’d need the hospital and not just some oxygen. However, as long as Buck was with him, it meant he was okay, Eddie didn’t have to worry about whether Buck had sneaked back inside the building or not, he could keep an eye on him. “I got a few people out and I was on my way up to the apartment where I knew he was, but they pulled me out and…”

“Buck, they were just doing their jobs.”

“I know. I just…” Buck pulled the mask off his face and stared at his hands covered in soot and dried blood. “I can’t lose him too.”

“Buck…”

“ _Diaz, you copy?_ ”

He had never hated the sound of Bobby’s voice before. He almost fought against his instinct to answer but he knew better. One hand pushed his mask back over Buck’s face and the other pressed down on his radio. “Go ahead, Captain.”

“ _Eddie, we need more help with the lines. Meet me back by our engine._ ”

Eddie sighed looked straight into Buck’s eyes. “On it, Captain.”

“You should go. I promise I won’t do anything stupid.”

Eddie’s eyes lingered on Buck and his mind was screaming at him to move, to get over to Bobby’s, to go help where it was needed, but he couldn’t shake off the senseless feeling that this was where he was needed the most. Eddie didn’t trust himself and he didn’t trust Buck to act rationally right now.

Buck took the mask off, pushed it into Eddie’s chest. “Go, I’ll be fine.”

A nod, one last glance thrown over his shoulder and he walked towards the fire.

Afterward, when Eddie’s whole body was screaming at him demanding rest, he texted Buck.

_Hope you found your partner_

Buck never replied.

Eddie went through the motion back at the station. He took a shower, drank a cup of coffee, and drove himself home. Having Carla had been the biggest help he had received in his life and if nothing else, he was always going to be grateful to Buck for it. He closed the front door behind him, leaned against it, and closed his eyes.

“Chris is sleeping already.”

Carla’s voice took him by surprise.

“Thank you, Carla.”

“Just doing my job, boo. I saw the news. Come sit in the kitchen, I just made coffee.”

Eddie felt like every step was sending a shock of pain up his back. What was supposed to be a twelve hours shift had turned into a twenty-six-hour shift. He let himself fall heavily into one of the chairs and didn’t speak again until he had taken several sips from the mug Carla placed in front of him.

“Buck was there.”

Carla’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. “What was he doing there?”

“He said something about his partner calling him over for backup. The guy didn’t wait for him, went inside by himself, and got caught in the fire.”

“Oh, was he okay?”

“I don’t know, Buck was looking for him.” He snorted. “Almost got himself killed for it too.”

“That’s Buckaroo for you. That boy will lay down on the street to stop a car coming at you. Not a selfish bone in that magnificent body.”

Eddie let out a weak laugh at that. “I still have to thank him for getting me you.”

“He got us each other. Chris is the best person I’ve ever looked after, I needed it after my last few patients.”

He nodded and propped his head up with his hand. Was it okay for him to ask? Carla probably had to abide by some sort of patient confidentiality agreement but, Eddie was curious, and Buck wasn’t talking to him.

“He,” he cleared his throat, leaned back, feigned disinterest in whatever Carla may have to say. “He mentioned that you two meet a few years back.”

“Hu-uh.”

She was so onto him.

“Said he met you through a friend and then you looked after him when he got shot.”

“I did and boy, was he a grumpy cat the whole time. I hope you’re not asking me to tell you what happened.”

“He told me he got shot.”

“And he didn’t share how he got shot, so I’m not going to do it for him, Eddie.”

Eddie felt caught red-handed. He ran his hands through his hair in frustration. “He doesn’t talk to me. He was going to get himself killed today and he didn’t care, at all, and what the hell is up with that?”

“Look, Eddie,” Carla reached across the table, grabbed Eddie’s hands in hers. “All I will say is that boy has been through a lot and he’s all the more kind for it. Most people hold onto the hurt, but Buck forgives so easily. He’s not playing games with you, okay? I can promise you that.”

“I’m trying to…” Eddie whispered loudly, aware of the anger bubbling under the surface and mindful of Chris sleeping down the hall. “I texted him tonight and he didn’t reply, again.”

“Have you ever heard that good things take time?”

“Yeah well, I’m not a very patience person.”

Carla pushed his hands away and sighed in frustration. “You’ve seen that man how many times exactly? Three? Four? And yet, here we are. He did all this for you, a virtual stranger, doesn’t that tell you what you need to know about him?” She got up, pushing the chair back under the table, and picking up both their mugs to deposit them in the sink. “Go get some sleep, maybe that will clear up your head.”

Eddie hadn’t felt that reprimanded since his last talk with his mom. He went to sleep and woke up just as confused.

°°°

The 118 was doing the weekly grocery shopping at Howie’s Market the next time Eddie run into Buck because the universe was more invested in throwing them together than either one of them cared for. He had been paired with Chimney and he was absentmindedly listening to a detailed recount of his latest date with Maddie when they turned a corner and quite literally bumped into Buck.

He didn’t know where to look. Buck was wearing civilian clothes, but his badge was still around his neck, and Eddie could see his holster strapped tightly around his chest, peeking from under his jacket.

“Hey guys.”

Buck wasn’t looking either one of them in the face, but Eddie couldn’t have looked away if he tried. Buck had dark shadows under his eyes, his hair wasn’t styled, and he hadn’t shaved in a while.

“Hey, Buckaroo, you okay?”

Chimney sounded worried and it made sense he’d know what was going on with Buck because Chimney was dating Buck’s sister.

“I’m good, you guys okay?”

Eddie nodded, his voice trapped somewhere in his throat.

“Isn’t this place a bit out of your area?” Chimney asked.

Buck shrugged and only then did Eddie notice that all he had in his hands was aspirin and weirdly enough a pack of diapers. “I’m on duty but I needed to get a few things.”

“Give Maddie a call please.” Chimney’s voice was careful, no trace of teasing in it.

Buck smiled, it looked normal enough, but he still wouldn’t look at them for more than a second at a time. “Will do. Sorry, guys, I have to go now.” 

They watched him disappear around the corner and Eddie had to bite his tongue to stop himself from asking a million questions the second he was out of sight. He kept pushing the cart and had almost convinced himself he didn’t care about whatever was going on when Chimney finally took pity on him.

“His partner died.”

Eddie bumped into Chimney without meaning to.

“What, you were going to ask me if I knew what was wrong with him. Well, there’s your answer, Eddie.”

“Shouldn’t he be off duty then?”

Chimney shrugged, still massaging his left ankle where Eddie had inadvertently hit him. “He’s Buck. He doesn’t take time off for therapy and stuff. Reminds me of someone,” he added pointedly.

Eddie rolled his eyes. This was not about him. Granted, when Shannon had died, he hadn’t taken more than two weeks off and that was only because Bobby had forced him to take those to begin with. He knew all about using your job as a distraction, so he didn’t have a leg to stand on.

“My dad always told me to suck it up and move on.”

“I wasn’t accusing you of anything, I was merely making an observation. Anyway, let’s get what’s left on Bobby’s list before he comes looking for us, okay?”

Eddie distracted himself with the rest of the groceries and told himself he wasn’t thinking about Buck as they drove back to the station or as they answered to any calls. When he was back home that night though, Chris made sure Eddie couldn’t keep Buck out of his thoughts.

“Dad?”

Eddie was laying down next to Chris, the kid tucked in his side while Eddie was reading him a bedtime story.

“Yeah, Chris?”

“Can we invite Buck over again? I want to see him.”

Eddie smiled fondly. “You sure it’s Buck you want to see and not Bear?”

Chris shrugged and then grinned. “Both.”

“Well, I will text Buck, see if he’s up for it, okay?”

“Thanks, Dad.”

By the time Eddie was done with the chapter they had started the day before, Chris was sound asleep. Eddie spent a few minutes just staring at him, at the peaceful rising and falling of his chest. Eddie stroked Chris’s hair and then left a kiss on his forehead before getting up. He turned off the light but left the nightlight on. He closed the door quietly behind him and then got his phone out.

He pulled up Buck’s contact and pressed dial before he could talk himself out of it. By the time Buck picked up, Eddie had been sure he was going to let it go to voicemail.

“ _Hey_.” Buck’s voice was soft, it caught Eddie by surprise. “ _Eddie, you there?_ ”

“Yeah, sorry.”

“ _Are you okay?_ ”

“Yeah, yeah I’m okay.”

“ _Is Chris okay?”_

“Yeah, he was asking about you.”

On the other end of the line, Buck chuckled. “ _You sure he wasn’t asking about Bear?_ ”

Eddie felt himself relax. He let himself slid down the wall and leaned his head against his bent knees. “A bit of both. Guess my kid kinda likes you.”

“ _No one can resist me; you should know that by now._ ”

And what the hell were they even talking about? Eddie wanted to slam his head against the wall but settled for pushing it harder against his knees.

“Buck, listen…”

“ _I’m sorry,_ ” Buck cut him off. “ _I’m sorry for not texting you and…_ ”

“Hey, we’re passed that. I shouldn’t have expected you to want to talk after…”

“ _I’m guessing Chimney told you what happened._ ”

“Yeah, yeah he did.”

Eddie listened to Buck’s breathing over the line, basked in the calming sound, in knowing that Buck was okay. He wondered if Buck had someone in his life to help him feel better. It occurred to Eddie that perhaps the reason why Buck was so distant was that he already had someone.

“ _So, when are you next off? I can bring Bear over.”_

Eddie squeezed his eyes shut. Why was this so complicated? Eddie felt torn between everything he wanted to say and what he knew Buck was willing to offer. He had never been the most open of people either. His father had taught him to reason with his brain not his feelings. He had to get a grip on all of this. Buck hadn’t signed up for endless pining. Eddie would offer his friendship and that would be it.

“ _Eddie? You still there?_ ”

“Yeah, sorry, thought I heard Chris stirring. I’m off on Friday, you can come over in the evening, stay for dinner. Chris doesn’t get home from school until 5.”

“ _Yeah, okay, that sounds good._ ”

Was there something else to add? Eddie did bang his head against the wall then. He had to cut this short before he ended up blurting out something he shouldn’t. Buck didn’t owe him any explanation, Hen was right.

“Thanks, Buck.”

“ _Anytime, Eddie._ ”

Buck took the smart choice of hanging up before Eddie could drag it out.

***

“Any reasons why you asked me to cook?” Carla was staring at him, her lips pursed and gaze intense.

Eddie shrugged. “Figured I probably shouldn’t poison my kid, you know?”

She rolled her eyes. “I’m guessing that is also why you filled your fridge with beers?”

“You’re reading into things.”

“You planning on hosting a party or do you have a problem you need my help with?”

Before Eddie could divert Carla’s next question, the doorbell rang.

“I’ll get it…”

Carla was already moving to the door before the words had even finished leaving his mouth. He took a deep breath and reminded himself that he had absolutely nothing to be worried about.

“Buckaroo!”

Eddie had never, in the few months he had known Carla, heard her sound that excited about anything. What surprised him, even more, was Buck’s laughter carrying through the house.

“Carla!”

Eddie peeked into the entryway just as Buck pulled out of Carla’s embrace, Bear sitting next to his feet. She leaned one hand right on Buck’s heart and his whole face softened.

“How are you doing?”

“I’m good.” His eyes met Eddie’s over her shoulder. “Eddie treating you right?”

She laughed, looked at him too. “So far so good. Well, I’ll get out of your hair.” She picked up her bag off the table by the entrance, petted Bear on the head, and then threw a warning glance Eddie’s way before letting herself out.

“Thanks for today, Carla.”

“Bye, Carla.”

They watched her leave and then Buck looked at Eddie, a nervous smile tugging at his lips. “So, is Chris home yet?”

“Yeah, he’s in the garden.”

Buck turned to look at Bear who was panting, his long tongue rolled out. “Okay buddy, we’ve been over this. Be gentle with Chris, alright?” he let him off the lead and watched him trot out towards the open patio doors. Eddie only had to wait a few seconds before Chris’ delighted laughter reached his ears.

“Thank you for bringing him.”

“Hey, I only did it because I was missing Christopher too much.”

Eddie tried to fight the warm feeling making its way in his heart. Deflect, that’s what he needed to do. “Want a beer?” He led Buck into the kitchen and pulled two beers out of the fridge. “Carla cooked us some food.”

“You don’t cook?”

“It’s better if I don’t, trust me.”

Buck laughed, twisting the bottle between his fingers but not drinking. “Eddie…”

“Buck, you don’t owe me anything.”

“I still want to say it.”

Eddie took a long sip, grabbed his bottle tighter than needed, and stared at the table.

“I’m sorry I disappeared on you, sometimes this job gets the best of me.”

Eddie could relate to that. Sometimes he needed the space and god only knew how many times he had screwed up by pushing people away.

“My partner, he… he had a family, a baby, and I just…” he slammed his hand on the table. “I’m sorry, I…”

“Buck, we don’t have to talk about it.”

He had been so willing to ask Chimney and Carla about Buck and yet, now that Buck was sitting across from him, eyes downcast and looking so incredibly lost, Eddie wanted to run in the opposite direction. He was so out of his depth. Eddie didn’t do this, big speeches and comforting words. He was not the person you called when you felt down, he was the person you called when you were angry and wanted to punch something.

“I’ve been helping his partner out. I mean, there are days when Luke can’t stand to even look at my face let alone let me help with the baby, but Joe would have done the same for me, not that I’d have anyone to leave behind but…” Buck shook his head at himself, ran a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry, I won’t disappear again. I… I could use a friend right about now.”

Eddie couldn’t look away from Buck’s red-rimmed eyes. He was laying his heart here to bleed, and Eddie felt so inadequate. How was he going to be there for Buck when he had no healthy coping mechanisms. Bobby had to practically force him into therapy after Eddie had almost killed someone street fighting. But wasn’t this what he wanted? Being given the chance to understand Buck, to see him.

“Ok.” The word was nothing more than a whisper when it left Eddie’s lips.

Buck smiled, a sad imitation of what Eddie had grown used to see on that face. “Ok.”

He could try.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 – The Good Ones

 _If I was one of the good ones_ _, I don't think you'd like me  
I'm one of the bad ones and that's why you feel lucky_

It was surprisingly easy for Eddie and Buck to dive into their friendship and “diving into” was the only way of describing the way they moved from seeing each other a handful of times to hanging out every time their days off coincided. 

Sometimes Christopher was there, a buffer between them, imprinting on Buck like a duckling on its mother, but other times it was just Eddie and Buck, quiet nights-in where Buck started slowly building space for himself in their lives. Eddie started noticing things like Buck preferred the right corner of the sofa because he could keep an eye on the door from there, that he liked to do voices whenever he read to Christopher, that he couldn’t sleep without Bear, and that he had a hard time saying no to the people he loved. But the nights Eddie liked the most were the ones where Buck would come over after a shift because Eddie could see the tension falling off his shoulders the minute he walked in and Christopher greeted him. He’d listen to Eddie go on and on about a call at work or something that had happened with Chris and he’d laugh at the right time and offer comfort when needed.

And Eddie couldn’t help but feel himself learning to trust Buck more and more every time he saw him with Chris, he somehow always knew what to say and Buck was open and affectionate with Chris in a way he wasn’t with anybody else. Before long, Eddie could see that Chris had come to rely on his relationship with Buck just as much as Eddie was doing. He’d be the first person Chris would want to call after school and the person he’d ask for whenever Eddie had a day off and asked his son what he wanted to do for the day.

It was easy, somehow, to start feeling as if they were living in a little bubble, only Bear and sometimes Carla as witnesses, only being able to remind himself that there was a life outside of it whenever Buck pulled away because of his job. 

Spending time with Buck was becoming second nature to Eddie. There were even times at work when someone would make a joke and Eddie would automatically look over his shoulder to check whether Buck had found it funny too; it would always take him a moment to remember that Buck was not, in fact, part of their group especially because Buck still avoided hanging out if Chimney, Maddie and Hen were gonna be present. Eddie wasn’t sure how much of that was a conscious choice on Buck’s part and how much it was just their nights out not aligning with Buck’s. 

And now here they were, another Sunday spent together. 

Buck was standing under the lemon tree in Eddie’s back garden, Chris hanging off his back as they animatedly discussed the bugs they were finding; apparently, Buck had an endless knowledge of the most random things and Chris lived for it, hanged onto every word. Bear was napping in the shadow of the tree and Buck kept pretending to drop Chris just go get him to laugh. 

The thing was, Eddie wasn’t used to this, to someone else being there. It had been just him and Christopher for so long that to see how easily Buck fit in with them, made his heart feel full; Eddie had resigned himself to the fact that Buck had come one day, dog in tow, and somehow carved a space for himself not only in Eddie’s life but Chris’ as well. He could see how much Buck loved Christopher and, for the first time in a long time, felt as if someone had his back other than on the job. Buck fit in so easily it was hard to think that he had only been in their lives for three months. 

Eddie was getting better and better at ignoring the fear that this was only temporary. He kept reminding himself that he had learned from his mistakes, he knew that he had pushed Shannon away in the past, had run away from her, opened a chasm so big that she felt like he never had her back, but he knew better now. He had let people in; Bobby, Chimney, and Hen and their families were his family now, but trusting Buck was petrifying because Eddie found himself wanting to build something for the first time in a long time. 

But they had fallen together so quickly, to a point where Eddie kept thinking that just as easily as Buck had waltzed into their lives, he could leave. And yet, try as he may to slow things down, Eddie had found himself sharing Christopher with Buck, letting him be part of his family without ever saying the words; he prayed that would be enough, that despite whatever ghost hid behind Buck’s smile, Eddie could offer him some solace. 

His feelings were all jumbled up in his head, but sitting in his garden, watching Buck laugh and never treat Christopher as if he was any different from the other kids, made him feel things that he couldn’t name. He was scared that maybe his attraction to Buck was born out of loneliness and the need to find someone to co-parent Chris with.

There was also the matter that he felt wrong even thinking about broaching the subject with Buck because he didn’t want to be the type of guy who was asked to be someone’s friend and then developed a crush and complained about unrequited love. 

He hadn’t let himself want someone else in so long, he had forgotten how all-encompassing it could be. Even before Shannon’s death, those years where he didn’t accept the fact that she had left him, that it was maybe okay to find someone else, he had never let himself seek anyone out. For the longest time after Shannon had finally come back, he had let himself think that’d be it, they could just start again, different people from the ones that had walked away from each other, they could make it work and he’d never have to learn what it’d mean to fall in love as an adult; except that hadn’t been what she had wanted. 

_‘Is that what I am to you? Christopher’s mother?’_

He didn’t want to become that person again, someone who was so focused on what he needed to become completely blind to someone else’s needs. Unless he could be what Buck wanted, he wasn’t going to pile his mess on top of Buck’s because by now Eddie knew him well enough to know that Buck would put himself through misery if it’d mean helping someone else out. 

And now that his mind was maybe clear enough to start looking, Buck had come along, and Eddie wished he knew how to ask for what he wanted. He was trying his hardest to at least let himself feel his feelings instead of just pushing it all down; acting on them was a different matter. So, he could do this instead, sit in his garden, watch Buck make his kid fall under his spell just as much as Eddie already had. He couldn’t help but think that he was setting everyone up for disaster, swore he could almost feel the heartache coming. 

“See, once this little caterpillar grows, you’ll have a butterfly.” Buck’s voice carried easily in the garden. 

Chris nodded excitedly. “What else?”

“Did you know that California and Arizona produce most of our lemon crop. And if you wire 500 lemons together, you can power a flashlight bulb.”

“Do you think we have 500 lemons on our tree?”

Buck seemed to mull that over before shrugging, jostling Chris on purpose, smile breaking out on his face at Chris’ giggling. “How good is your math because I’m really bad at it so you might have to count them all yourself.”

Chris groaned. “Buck that’s too many!”

“Good thing we’ve got batteries then, huh?”

The way their heads were bent together made their blond curls mix and Eddie found it uncanny how much Buck and Chris physically resembled each other. A flickering thought running through his head, wondering if whenever the three of them were out together people had ever thought they were a family. 

“Maybe we should get your dad to count.”

Eddie was already staring at him and he made no attempt at hiding the fact, so he caught Buck’s gaze and held it, let Buck look at him. He felt the heat burning under his skin that had nothing to do with the sun. Buck’s eyes twinkled in happiness, a teasing grin curving his pink lips up. Eddie ached for something he couldn’t put into words, not quite yet ready to acknowledge his feelings, and yet, in times like this, when Buck looked at him that way, he thought that perhaps whatever it was that he wanted, was within reach.

“I’m certainly going to be better than you, Buck,” he goaded. Eddie wanted every day to be like this.

They spent the rest of the afternoon together, Eddie watching on as Chris did his best to chase Bear around the backyard. 

When, two days later, Eddie found himself living through the worst possible shift, he guessed it was some cosmic balance, the universe telling him that he had it too good for too long. 

At first, they were called to an escape room because someone had inadvertently set one of the props on fire which had quickly extended into the walls. They barely managed to get everyone out before Bobby ordered them to pull back.

Two hours later, because apparently people just went crazy on Halloween, they had to respond to a fire in a house of mirrors, and Eddie had never gotten as scared as he did in there.

As soon as they got to the scene, Bobby asked a member of staff if they had gotten everyone out. 

“I’m not sure. At first, we thought the smoke was a prop. The fire alarm never went off. By the time we realized it was real, we just tried to get as many people out as we could.” 

Bobby thanked her and then walked over to Eddie and Chimney. 

“I spoke to the manager. There was supposed to be a sprinkler system that never kicked in,” Eddie said while getting ready to charge inside. 

“Okay, go in for search and rescue, bring extinguishers with you,” Bobby commanded. “I will call dispatch for backup. Be careful.”

“On it, ‘Cap.” Eddie pulled his mask down, grabbed his halligan, and run inside. 

The visibility wasn’t compromised yet and no fire was visible from the entrance. Eddie wished he’d had the presence of mind to suggest a rope search because it quickly became obvious that the place was a maze. He kept ending up in a dead-end, his reflection staring back at him mockingly. He turned around and couldn’t see where he had come from; it was impossible to orientate himself. 

_“Diaz, Han, come in,”_ Bobby’s voice called over the radio.

“’ Cap, no sign of the fire yet but I’m having a hard time finding my way around.”

_“What about you, Chimney?”_

_“Haven’t found anything yet either, ‘Cap.”_

The smoke was rising fast and as Eddie started to walk in the direction of the smoke, he slammed into a mirror. It was getting harder to see, and at that point, Eddie wasn’t even sure he’d be able to put the fire out when he found it. 

“Fire department call out!” he shouted as loud as possible. He tried twice more but either no one was left inside, or whoever was had to be unconscious. The ceiling creaked ominously and as Eddie looked up, a panel came down, the roar of the flames following right after and expanding quickly. 

“Diaz to Captain Nash! I found the fire; it’s spreading in the ceiling.” 

_“Eddie are you ready for evac?”_

He looked around and all he could see was the reflection of the flames in the mirrors surrounding him, the heat becoming unbearable through his turnout coat. The extinguisher was not going to save him. 

“Negative, ‘Cap. I can’t find my way out.” 

There was nothing he could use to orientate himself and he didn’t know whether he was walking backward of forwards. Panic started to grip him sending his mind to dark places made of Christopher waiting up for him only to have someone tell him that his dad was not coming home. His back hit another mirror, his oxygen tank banging loudly against it. When he turned around, he realized he wasn’t looking at a mirror but at a glass panel and laying on the floor on the other side was a kid, head hiding between his knees, a scarf covering his mouth and nose. 

Eddie banged on the glass getting the kid to look at him. “Hey! Can you hear me?”

The kid nodded, standing up. “I’m stuck, I can’t find my way out.”

“You’ll be okay, kid.” He took the spring loaded punch out of his pocket and got ready to smash the glass. “I need you to step back and cover your face, alright?” He waited for the kid to do as he asked and then quickly used the tool to break the glass down. 

The fire was still roaring behind him. He radioed Bobby again.

“Captain, I found a kid, he’s okay, we’re going to try and make our way out.” 

_“Chimney is out. We’re coming in with a line, alright?”_

“Received. I’m going to start moving away from the fire.” 

At least it wasn’t spreading as fast as it had appeared at first, but Eddie knew they were going to run out of time soon. He passed his mask to the kid and let him take a few deep breaths. 

“What’s your name?” 

“Liam.” 

“I’m Eddie. I’m going to get you out of here, okay?” 

He had to think fast. There was so way he’d be able to find the way out fast enough but having to think about getting Liam out on time was helping him focus. Suddenly, he had an idea; he couldn’t retrace his way back but maybe he’d be able to break his way through the mirrors. 

He raised his halligan, ready to strike. “I need you to stand right behind me okay?” 

Liam nodded and hid behind Eddie. He pulled his mask over his face again to shield his face from glass fragments and, raising the halligan, started smashing it into the mirror keeping an eye on the direction where the smoke and fire were coming from to ensure he was moving away from it and not towards it. 

He started breaking down mirror after mirror, mindful of Liam gripping his turnout coat. Just as his arms were starting to get tired, he broke down a panel and ended up face to face with Bobby and Chimney, hose poised in their hands. 

“I’ve never been as happy to see you,” he joked. He pulled Liam in front of him just as Bobby ordered over the radio for the engine to open the line. 

Eddie picked Liam up and carried him over to Hen and sitting him down on the stretcher. 

“I’m definitely never bringing Chris to one of these,” he told Hen as she started checking Liam over. 

“Denny loves Halloween.” Hen put an oxygen mask over the boy’s face. “Hey kid, what’s your name?” 

“Liam.”

“Nice to meet you, Liam. Who did you come here with?”

Before the boy could answer, a blond woman came running over, pulling him in a tight hug. “Oh, thank God, Liam. Why did you walk away!”

Now sure that everyone was going to be okay, he went over to where Chimney and Bobby were coming out of the attraction.

“Fire’s out,” the Captain announced. “It didn’t spread fast.”

Chimney nodded. “It was probably a power surge and when the fire got to the ceiling, the sprinkler system didn’t kick in.” 

“For a moment there, I didn’t think I was going to make it out,” Eddie confessed. 

Chimney clapped him on the shoulder. “A lot of mirrors you smashed there, Eds. It’s seven years each, right? That’s a lot of bad luck.”

Bobby rolled his eyes at the two of them and ordered everyone to start packing up. When they got to the fire station and Chimney suggested going to the bar to unwind, Eddie wholeheartedly agreed. 

They all went to shower and changed in their spare clothes quickly before heading over to Macy’s. 

Chimney had a standing date there with Maddie every Thursday, so it was no surprise when they walked in and found her waiting at a table, excitedly waving them over as soon as they were inside. 

“First round on me,” Eddie said heading to the bar. As he waited to be served, he thought about the first and only time he had run into Buck there. It had been months, back then Buck still had his partner, and Eddie couldn’t believe how much had changed in that time. 

He ordered four beers and headed back to the table, sliding next to Hen in the booth and passing the bottles over.

“I propose a toast,” Chimney started, beer tilted towards Eddie. “To you for hulking your way out of a Halloween attraction.”

Hen laughed, clapping Eddie on the back. “All that bad luck though. You better drink on it.”

Eddie rolled his eyes but couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity of the day they just had. As Chimney started filling Maddie in on the calls of the day, Eddie let his eyes scan the crowd. The bar wasn’t too crowded and for a Halloween night, there weren’t many people dressed up either. Eddie noticed a pirate drinking by himself at the bar and a couple of zombies standing by the karaoke machine selecting a song. His attention was pulled to the conversation Chimney and Maddie were having when Hen asked something about Buck. 

“He’s not the dressing up kind of guy unless it’s Christmas. When we were kids, he would go all out for it! He’d decorate the whole house and you wouldn’t catch him without his Santa’s hat throughout December. But Halloween was never really his thing.” She laughed, a fond smile on her face. “One time, he was helping dad put up the Christmas lights outside and he climbed on the roof. Dad kept telling him to get down or he’d break something but obviously, Buck didn’t listen and slipped on the snow and went down, landed on his arm, and broke it.”

“That sounds like Buck alright,” Chimney commented. 

Eddie figured he could ask because he hadn’t been the one to bring up Buck’s name, he just had to be casual about it. “Haven’t seen him here in a while.” He didn’t make eye contact with anyone while he asked just so he could show how disinterested he was in finding out what was going on, whether he’d been right in assuming that Buck was avoiding public outings or if something else was going on. They were always hanging out at Eddie’s place whenever they were free at the same time so it had never come up between them before.

Maddie’s face fell, her eyes becoming sad as she started peeling the label off her beer. “His unit doesn’t come here anymore,” she said softly. “Not since Joe died.”

It hit him at that moment that Buck hadn’t mentioned his former partner since that night when he had apologized for disappearing. It left a bad taste in Eddie’s mouth to realize that as much as Buck hadn’t brought it up, Eddie hadn’t thought about asking either. The thing was, Buck was very rarely anything other than smiling whenever Eddie had seen him, so he didn’t know what to think. 

The doubt that Buck was spending so much time with him and Chris just to distract himself from the loss of his best friend crept into Eddie’s mind, but he shook the thought away, he knew better, he knew Buck better than that.

He racked his brains for all the times they’ve hung out since Buck had asked him to be friends and couldn’t recall a single conversation that hadn’t been about Chris or Eddie’s job, realizing that Buck knew all about Shannon being dead but he knew nothing about anyone in Buck’s life. He wondered whether that came down to him not asking or to Buck’s incredible ability to deflect attention from himself whenever someone asked about something personal. 

“He’s been so busy with work too.” Maddie’s voice cut through Eddie’s thoughts. “He can’t talk about his cases, but he’s been stressed for the last few weeks. I was thinking about inviting him over to the station for Howie’s birthday. You guys won’t mind, right?”

“Of course not,” Hen was quick to answer. “It’ll be good for him.”

“I don’t even know if he will come. I barely see him these days.” Maddie sighed heavily, her face looking worried. “Every time I ask him to spend his days off together, all he does is shrug and mumble something about hitting the gym or the dog park with Bear. I teased him about having someone the other day and it did not go down well.” 

Eddie felt his hands tighten into fists at the realization that for some reason Buck had been lying to his sister about spending time together.

“Looking a little tense over there, Eddie.” 

He looked up from the table to meet Chimney’s curious gaze. 

“I’m fine.”

“If you say so.” 

All he could think about for the rest of the night was Buck. He couldn’t even stop while he was tucking Chris into bed, or while he sat staring unseeingly at the TV until he was finally tired enough to pass out in bed. 

The next day, halfway through a 24-hour shift, while he was trying to catch a nap in his bunk, Buck texted him. 

_So, Maddie asked me to join you guys for Chimney’s bday. Is that okay?_

Eddie frowned at his phone and quickly typed out “you don’t need my permission” He waited for a reply, staring as the _typing…_ appeared and disappeared a few times before all he got was an “ _ok_ ”. Frustrated, he put his phone away and grabbed the book he had been reading from under his pillow. He tried to distract himself for a few minutes but then closed the book frustratedly once he realized he wasn’t taking in anything he had been reading. When the bell finally sounded, he was relieved. 

He went through the motion of pulling on his turnout gear and got in the truck, barely paying attention to what Bobby was telling them about the call. 

“What’s gotten you frowning so hard?” Hen’s voice over the radio startled him. 

“Nothing.”

“Okay.” She didn’t believe him; Eddie could tell that much from her tone. “So, Chimney, you excited for your big day tomorrow?” 

“I’m excited. After our shift, Maddie is taking me out for dinner.” 

“You got so lucky with her,” Hen teased him. 

“I know.” 

Eddie tried to participate in the conversation, but he was distracted, not even Bobby telling them they were almost at the site of the call could pull him out of his head. The best he could do once they arrived was follow Bobby’s directions, grateful that it was just about someone being stuck on their roof. 

The next day when it was time for Chimney’s party, Eddie was finally feeling like himself again deciding that there was no point in mulling over his thoughts and he could just ask Buck when he saw him at the station. He joked around with Hen and Karen, ate Athena’s food, and managed not to think about Buck until his name was brought up. 

“Where’s Buckley junior?” Chimney’s voice was teasing. 

“He’s on his way,” Maddie offered. “He texted me a while ago, said he was stopping to get something to bring.” 

Eddie was going to make a joke about how he never brought anything whenever he went over to Eddie’s, but the words got stuck in his throat when he remembered that for some reason Buck didn’t want Maddie to know that they were spending time together. He threw away his empty plate and went down to the bay. 

He had mingled, congratulated, and smiled enough, he needed a break and something to do other than look towards the entrance every five minutes to check if Buck had arrived yet. He decided to start checking the equipment and hoped he’d get lost in it enough not to notice if Buck came in because he had no idea how he was supposed to act around Buck with the team around. 

He checked the levels of the oxygen tanks and then started on the hoses, taking one out at the time and rolling it out. As he stepped out of the station, his eyes fell on Buck who was leaning against the side of his jeep, basking in the late afternoon sun. For once he had swapped his usual black t-shirt for a white one, his badge catching the light from where it laid on his chest, and Eddie had to try very hard to stop himself from staring for too long. 

“They’re waiting for you inside.” 

Buck opened his eyes and stared at Eddie, gaze slowly raking over his uniform in a way that made Eddie’s stomach twist in anticipation. “I know, Maddie called.”

Eddie fiddled with the hose he was still holding and didn’t look away. “Any reasons why you’re avoiding going inside?” giving Buck the chance to bring up Maddie.

“I’m not avoiding anything.”

“No, no, you’re just sunbathing outside of a fire station,” he teased. 

Buck laughed and pushed away from the jeep, his hands going into his pockets, a little hop in his step as he approached Eddie. “Need any help with that?” he asked, nodding to Eddie’s hands. 

He wanted to ask him why he hadn’t told Maddie they were friends along with a dozen other questions. “I’m good, I know how to handle these.” ‘ _I just don’t know how to handle you_ ’, he wanted to add. “Are you on duty?” 

“Yeah, just asked for a couple of hours off to come and say hi.”

“You planning on saying hi from over here?” 

Buck shrugged. “So, I was thinking about coming over on Sunday if you guys are free. Bear misses Chris.” 

Eddie shook his head, had to stifle a laugh. “I’m sure he does. Chris’s going to a birthday party, won’t be home ‘till late.” 

“Can I still come over?” His eyes searched Eddie’s, the blue more vivid in the sun, looking almost scared that Eddie would turn him down; as if that would ever happen. “You’re not the most entertaining Diaz, but you’ll do.” 

Eddie couldn’t help but smile. “Sure. Beers and a game?” 

“Sounds good.” Buck showed no intention of heading inside, stepping even closer to Eddie.

He wondered if Buck was hesitating because he didn’t know how to act around Eddie if someone else was around. It also dawned on him that except for that time when he had asked Hen for advice, he hadn’t mentioned Buck to any of them, as if he was subconsciously keeping this to himself. He knew why he did it; as much as he loved his team, he knew they liked to gossip, and he didn’t want whatever was going on with Buck to be turned into a joke.

He was going to ask, even opened his mouth to voice the question but Buck stepped back, glancing at the station from over his shoulder. 

“Do you think you could pass my birthday wishes onto Chimney?” 

“Why don’t you come inside?” 

“I…” his smile disappeared. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea. I should head back to the precinct. Have a case to work on.” 

Eddie knew perfectly well that that was an excuse, but Buck genuinely looked sick at the idea of having to go inside and see everyone else, so Eddie let him get away with it. “Okay. I’ll see you on Sunday.” 

Buck nodded, a small smile returning to his face before he walked away. 

They were playing a game of cat and mouse and Eddie wasn’t even sure which was which. He rolled the hose back to the truck and started checking the equipment in the compartments. He only had two more days and then he could ask Buck as many questions as he wanted, he could get through it. 

When Sunday finally rolled around and Buck was sitting on the couch next to him, Eddie forgot he even had anything to ask. It was easy, when it was just the two of them, to forget that anything was going on outside of their bubble. In here they didn’t exist past the time they spent together, idle chat, Buck’s surprising wisdom when it came to helping Eddie with Chris. 

But tonight, Eddie couldn’t help but notice that Buck looked tired, his movement sluggish after only a couple of beers. He was slumped on the sofa, eyes barely open as he stared at the screen where they were playing a game Buck had brought over. 

Hanging out had become easier and they now found familiarity in each other’s presence after weeks of regular visits, but Eddie was yet again reminded that sometimes it felt as if Buck didn’t even exist outside of the time they spent together. He thought back about what Maddie had mentioned at the bar.

“Are you still helping out your friend with the baby?” he asked in the quietness of the room. 

Buck faltered for a moment, Eddie taking the advantage to get a few hits in before Buck would kick his ass at the game again.

“When he lets me.” He resumed playing but Eddie could tell that his mind was elsewhere. “It’s complicated,” he added after a few seconds. 

Eddie knew this was not going to be a conversation they would have while looking at each other, so he made himself focus on the game instead of on the defeated tone of Buck’s voice. 

“Complicated how?” 

He saw Buck shrugging out of the corner of his eye. 

"Sometimes people get mad at you because they can't get mad at who they want. Joe is not around anymore, but I am.” He said it so casually as if the idea of someone being mad at him for no reason was the norm. 

Eddie was reminded of the anger he had held onto for months after Shannon had died. The need to punch it out on someone because he couldn’t scream at her, couldn’t blame her for having left, yet again, this time forever, couldn’t scream at her the same she had screamed at him. But he had found an outlet as misguided as it had been, and the idea that Luke’s version of it was putting his resentment and grief on Buck made Eddie feel uneasy, his stomach twisting in worry. 

“He blames you for what happened?” 

“He always will, and I mean, I do too so I can’t fault him for it, you know? It is what it is.” 

Buck wasn’t any more guilty for his partner’s reckless behavior than Eddie had been for Shannon’s death. The first time she left, it was on him, he had been running from their marriage, using war and the excuse of serving his country as a shield to avoid admitting that he didn’t know how to be a husband or how to be Christopher’s dad, but her death was not his fault and neither Luke’s was Buck’s. 

“Maybe you shouldn’t hang around him for a while, give him a chance to move on, you know?” What he wanted to say was that he didn’t like the idea of Buck hanging around him, that maybe Buck should take a break from spending time with someone who was blaming him for something he had no control over. 

“I can’t do that, Eddie.” Buck put the controller down. “I’ll go get us more beers. You wanna order pizza?” He was out of the couch and already in the kitchen before Eddie could even answer. 

A few hours later, once Chris had come back, had played with Bear and Buck for a while, and then finally gone to bed, they found themselves in the same position as before. The game playing on the TV, the sound turned off, Chris tucked away in his bed and Bear standing guard just outside his room.

“Tell me something nobody else knows about you.”

The question caught Eddie by surprise. He couldn’t gauge from Buck’s tone whether he was just being curious or if he wanted to know something of value. He decided to play it safe. “I got a parking ticket the first time my dad let me use his car. I waited by the mailbox for days just so I could get the letter before him.” 

Buck snorted. “I’m being serious Eddie.” 

He glanced away from the screen but didn’t pause the game. He took risks on the job but this, this he played cautiously. And now that Eddie had realized that Buck talked a lot but never said anything about himself, Eddie didn’t want to say the wrong thing, scare Buck away.

“You go first.”

He waited, Buck not even glancing away from the screen, his fingers moving fast over the buttons of his controller. Eddie figured it could go one of two ways; either Buck would change the subject once the attention was on him, or he’d say something, and Eddie could finally have some of his curiosity satisfied. 

“I lied, before, about how I got Bear.”

Was this his big secret? Eddie put down his controller. Fuck the game. “What do you mean? He didn’t fail his training?” 

“Not the how I guess but the why.”

The game stopped, the screen flashing with the game over. Buck didn’t turn around to look at Eddie. 

“I guess someone else does know about this but he’s dead so.” Buck shrugged and gave a hollow laugh. “Joe got me Bear because I was going through… through this thing at the time. I needed someone to have my back. Bear’s handler was Luke, Joe’s partner. He had just started training Bear as a therapy dog.” Buck gulped loudly tears stuck in his throat. “Joe took one look at that hopeless case and decided we belonged together, kinda saved my life, never even told Luke why he gave him to me.” A small teary smile came on his face. “He just thinks I wanted a goofy dog because I felt lonely.”

Eddie kept quiet, unsure of how he was supposed to react. He downed what was left of his beer and kept his eyes fixed on anything that wasn’t Buck’s face. This only brought on more questions and Eddie couldn’t figure out what kind of reaction Buck wanted from him. Why would he say something like that because now Eddie wanted to know so much more, and he knew that Buck wouldn’t share. He looked scared of Eddie’s reaction as if he’d push when Buck was so obviously not ready to add more. And as much as Eddie had known that Buck had been through some trauma, hearing Buck telling that had made him feel so fiercely protective. He told himself there was no way he was equipped to offer the comfort Buck needed, he was going to say or do the wrong thing and that would be it. 

“Please, don’t get weird.” Buck sounded frustrated and ashamed and Eddie still couldn’t bring himself to look at him. Buck ran a hand through his hair and got to his feet, picked up the empty take out boxes and beer bottles, and disappeared into the kitchen. 

Eddie had to fight every basic instinct he had. His dad’s voice loud in his head, reminding him not to cry and that there was no point in discussing feelings and fears. If he just gave Buck space, they’d be able to move on from this moment, no scab to pick at, he just needed to sit where he was and wait. 

He wanted to tell Buck that he had turned into a thought that was constantly in the back of Eddie’s mind, a buzzing in his ears he couldn’t get rid of but that just as much as he sometimes felt like he wasn’t doing enough for Christopher, there were times when that same feeling of inadequacy was too deeply rooted in him to let him be anything other than a disappointment as a friend.

He felt like a phony. He had wanted Buck to share something and here Eddie was now, avoiding looking at what Buck was so willingly showing him because it made him uncomfortable.

He hadn’t even had to ask in the end for Buck to share something real about himself and Eddie was handling it in the worst possible way. 

He got up and walked to the kitchen, every intention of making this right. He leaned against the arch of the door and stared at where Buck was gripping the sink so hard his knuckles had turned white. He realized with sudden clarity that this was the moment that was going to either make them or break them; he could share something about himself, or he could be the usual closed off stubborn man and ensure that Buck would stay out of his life for good. 

Carla’s words came back to him, reminding Eddie that Buck would forgive, would probably blame himself for having pushed, and Eddie was not going to let Buck self-flagellate over this. He felt sick to his stomach. The words were stuck in his throat, and try as he may, he couldn’t get them out.

Buck looked at him from over his shoulder, his eyes red and watery and Eddie felt himself suffocate in the intensity of his gaze. He stopped himself from saying something stupid like, you got my back with Christopher, I got your back for whatever you need. Eddie had to get out of there. He was building this all up in his head, Hen had said as much, and Buck needed to find someone else. 

But this felt like a betrayal because Buck had asked him to be his friend and Eddie had said okay, made Buck feel safe enough to share something that meant something, and he knew, he knew that if he didn’t reciprocate, he’d regret it. He was going to let Buck down. A voice in the back of his mind reminded that it was just as well; the sooner Buck realized that Eddie couldn’t give him what he needed, the sooner he'd leave and the less painful it’d be for everyone involved.

“I’ll go check on Chris.” 

Buck gave an almost imperceptible nod to Eddie’s weak excuse, but his gaze never wavered. He knew what Eddie was doing and he was letting him get away with it because that’s who Buck was. 

Eddie went to Chris’s room to hide; it was plain and simple. Christopher was sleeping soundly, and Bear was guarding the door. Eddie studied the dog. He knew of a lot of veterans who got dogs to help with PTSD or addiction and he wondered what exactly Buck had needed to overcome. He selfishly wanted Buck to share more with him without having to give anything in return. 

He was pulled out of his thoughts when he heard the front door slamming shut. Bear raised his head and wined softly while Chris slept on. Eddie frowned and headed back to the kitchen only to find Buck gone. His phone buzzed on the table and when Eddie picked it up, he saw he had a new text from Buck. 

_I’m sorry I freaked you out. Bear will sleep through the night. Carla will bring him back to mine in the morning. I’m sorry._

Eddie hadn’t felt this frustrated in a long time. 

°°°

In the morning, Carla refused to say anything. She was meticulously helping Christopher get ready for school while Eddie got ready for work. The way she was quickly turning to avoid his questions into an Olympic sport was a clear sign that she must have known something. Rationally, Eddie knew that she would have realized something had happened the minute Buck had asked her to go pick Bear up. 

“He left and abandoned his dog.”

Carla scoffed. “This is hardly abandoning his dog. He asked me to come and get him and bring him back to his apartment. He didn’t leave him on the side of the road.”

“Still.” Why couldn’t she see his side of things?

“Are we going to pretend this is about him leaving Bear here?” 

If that’s how Carla was going to play it, well then two could play at that game. He came out of his room, checked on Christopher to make sure he was almost ready and refused to say anything. 

“Tell you what,” Carla exasperatedly said, “Why don’t you go drop Bear off at Buck’s and I take Chris to school?” 

“I’m going to be late for work if I do that.” He had no idea where Buck lived, just another thing to add to the list. “Just take Chris to school and then drop Bear off. I will see you tonight.” 

He left a kiss on her cheek and one on Chris’ head. “Be good, _mijo_.”

“Can I stay home with Bear today?” Chris didn’t even look up from where he and Bear were playing tug with an old sock.

“You have a test today, remember?” Eddie ruffled his hair at the defeated wine he got in response. “See you tonight, Carla.”

“We haven’t finished discussing this, Eddie!” 

He waved her off, closed the door, and left for work. There was nothing to discuss, he would wait a few days, let the whole incident fade from memory and then he’d reach out to Buck, ask him to come out to the bar at some point in the week and they could go on the same way they have always had. They could just go back to Buck ignoring Eddie whenever something in his life was going badly and Eddie actively pretending that Buck somehow always fixed his problems. It was all going to be okay, that would be exactly what they both needed. 

It became apparent very quickly that nothing was going to be okay. The earthquake hit halfway through the day and Eddie wished the universe would stop fucking with his life. 

He sent a text to Pepa to make sure that everyone was okay and then because he was already texting someone else so he figured, might as well, he sent the same text to Buck. Predictably, Buck still hadn’t replied ten minutes or five hours later. Eddie guessed that was also part of their norm so whatever, Buck could just keep up with the disappearing act whenever things went south. All that mattered was that Chris was safe at school, and Buck was probably okay too, Eddie didn’t have time to worry about what-ifs in the middle of a natural disaster. 

He spent the day following Bobby’s orders keeping his mind blank until they finally had a moment to rest it once it had gotten dark outside. Eddie sat down between Chimney and Hen, the three pressed close together. He took his phone out of his turnout jacket. 

“Fuck,” he swore when it failed to turn on. 

“You trying to reach Chris?” Hen asked, chewing slowly on a sandwich Eddie had no idea where it had come from. 

“Yeah.” 

Chimney offered his phone. “Wanna try mine?”

Eddie shook his head. “I don’t remember Carla’s number.” 

When Chimney’s phone started ringing, he caught a glimpse of Maddie’s contact picture just before he answered. There was nowhere for Hen and him to go to give Chimney any privacy, so Eddie closed his eyes and leaned his head back to the wall they were sitting against. He had every intention of catching a quick nap, but Chimney’s voice was hard to ignore especially when his voice became frantic. 

“What do you mean shot?” 

Sleep all but forgotten, Eddie leaned in closer and so did Hen. 

“Maddie, Maddie calm down. When was the last time you heard from him?” 

“Chimney what…”

Hen was shushed by Chimney and Eddie at the same time. 

“Just because he was there doesn’t mean he’s the one who got shot. They would have called you if that was the case. You know Buck, he’s got more lives than a cat.” Chimney’s laugh sounded hollow and Eddie could see his fear mirrored on Chimney’s face. He was trying to be positive for Maddie, but he wasn’t fooling either one of them. “Do you know who responded to the scene? … Okay, I’ll get in touch with them, I will find out and let you know.” Chimney hung up with no remorse. 

“What’s wrong?” Eddie asked the second Chimney had hung up. 

“There was a shoot-out and Buck’s unit was on the scene. Maddie has been trying to get in touch with Buck but there was an officer down and no one is telling her who it was. I’m going to go look for Bobby, see if Athena knows anything about it.” 

“I’ll come with.” 

As much as Eddie was aware that they still had so much to do where they were, he had to find out. He followed Chimney to the triage area, and they found Bobby standing with the incident commander. Chimney explained everything to him, and Bobby told him to wait while he tried to reach Athena. 

“They took the agents to the LA Memorial Hospital, she didn’t know much more than that,” Bobby let them know a few minutes later. “The relief team is almost here. We can head back to the station.”

Chimney was already pulling his phone out. “I’ll let Maddie know and then I’d like to go with her.”

Bobby nodded, his eyes focusing on Eddie. He wasn’t sure what expression was on his face because Bobby suddenly seemed confused.

“Eddie, you alright? Something happened to Chris?”

“No.” He cleared his throat, looked away. “I haven’t been able to reach him for a few hours.”

“I am sure he’s fine.”

Once at the station, they didn’t waste time on showering, Eddie wanted to get to Chris and Chimney was in a rush to get over the hospital and check on Buck and Maddie. 

Eddie was trying to rack his brain to find an excuse to follow Chimney to the hospital, just to make sure that Buck was okay, but he couldn’t think of anything. He was just about to offer Chimney a ride to the hospital as a last resort when Chimney pulled his phone out, sagging in relief in the next moment.

“Everything okay?” He asked, feigning indifference by turning away as he packed up his duffle bag. 

“Yeah, Maddie just texted. She said she heard from Buck and that he’s okay and was heading home.”

“That’s good.”

Chimney scoffed. “It definitely is. That man is going to give us all grey hair one day.”

“I’m pretty sure you already have grey hair,” Hen teased him. “How much do you spend on box dye, Chim?”

“Ha-ha, you’re so funny Henrietta.”

Eddie smiled briefly at their banter, but he couldn’t help still feeling worried. His phone had been charging long enough to finally turn on and Eddie quickly checked his calls and messages to make sure that Christopher’s school or Carla hadn’t been trying to contact him. 

He had a text from an unknown number. All it said was:

_It’s Buck. Can you come to pick me up at LA Mem?_

He wasn’t sure why Buck would ask him instead of Maddie, but he replied nonetheless to let him know he was on his way and then texted Carla asking her to look after Chris for a little longer. 

“I’m heading out,” he announced to Hen and Chimney before dragging himself to his car. 

Eddie drove with his window down, radio turned off, the warm evening breeze distracting him from thinking too hard about what he was going to tell Buck once they saw each other. He knew he should apologize but he also knew that unless he brought it up first, Buck was going to let him get away with it. Just because he feared how fast Buck was fitting into his life, or how many times things hadn’t worked out for him in the past, he couldn’t hold any of that against Buck. Just as much as Eddie was more than his past mistakes, Buck deserved better than having all the people who had hurt Eddie in the past held against him. 

He reached the hospital without even noticing. Buck hadn’t replied to his text, so he wasn’t sure where he was supposed to wait. He parked by the entrance and got out of the car. He sent another text to let Buck know he was waiting outside. As he leaned against his truck, eyes trained on the hospital entrance, Eddie tried to keep his mind focused on the fact that Buck had to be okay, he refused to think that perhaps he hadn’t wanted Maddie to see him because he had gotten hurt. 

When Buck finally came out, the only thing Eddie could think was what a horrible picture he made. His t-shirt which must have been white at some point, was splattered in blood, and his arms and hands had dark splatters all over. He also had stitches on his left eyebrow, going right through the middle of his birthmark. 

Eddie took a step forward, so many questions swimming through his mind he wasn’t even sure where to begin from, but Buck raised his hands in a placating gesture, a half-smile quirking his lips. 

“It’s mostly not my blood.”

“Buck, what the hell…” he managed to sound angry and worried at the same time, a particular tone of voice he had mastered ever since becoming a father. 

Buck’s shoulders dropped as he stopped a few feet away from Eddie who had to physically stop himself from reaching out and patting Buck down in search of hidden injuries. 

“Can I tell you on the way? I need a shower and sleep.” His smile looked more sincere when he added, “looks like you might too.”

Buck’s voice was weak, resigned and Eddie couldn’t help but think that Buck had no business sounding so dejected and tired, he hated it with a passion, and so he conceded like he was getting used to doing whenever it came down to Buck. “Get in.” He walked around and got inside his truck, his eyes never leaving Buck as he climbed inside. He caught the grimace of pain scrunching up Buck’s face. “Where else did you get hurt?” 

“It’s nothing.” 

Buck gave him his address and then leaned back against his headrest, his eyes closing. Eddie let himself study him for a second, the way he seemed to go boneless as soon as he sat down. 

A few seconds went by and when even after starting the car Eddie hadn’t moved, Buck turned to look at him, eyes barely opening in the darkness. 

“Eddie…” 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m driving.”

He focused on getting out of the parking lot and fought with the urge of demanding an explanation or at least an answer as to why Buck had decided to call him out of everyone. It was the first time that the silence between them was tense.

“I didn’t get shot.”

Eddie had to stop himself from screaming ‘ _congratulations you dumbass’._ He gripped the steering wheel, eyes focused on the road ahead. “Okay.”

“I know dispatch told Maddie there was an officer down, but they got it wrong.” 

“You don’t have to explain it to me.” Eddie was kidding himself every time he said that to Buck making it sound as if he was being magnanimous by not letting him relieve a trauma. The truth was that Eddie didn’t want to hear it because if something was difficult for Buck to say, it meant it was going to be hard for Eddie to hear and he was trying so hard to put fences in place, keep Buck in a box that said Eddie wasn’t affected by him. 

“The way you’re avoiding looking at me tells me I should.” Buck chuckled, dark and sarcastic. “Too bad we’re in a moving vehicle or you could just leave.”

Eddie bit down on his tongue; he was not going to rise to the bait. He checked the GPS seeing that they were still twenty minutes out from reaching Buck’s place and Eddie hated the idea that the first time he was going to see it, was not because Buck wanted him to but because he had no other option than getting Eddie to drive him. 

“We were arresting someone,” Buck continued. “We didn’t shoot. Someone from his gang drove by, probably wanted to make sure he wouldn’t be able to tell us anything.” 

“That doesn’t explain why you’re the one covered in blood, though.”

“I kept him alive until the ambulance came.” Buck looked down at his hands studying them, seeing the blood still under his nails even after having scrubbed them. “There was so much blood.”

Eddie checked the navigator again. 10 minutes out. 

“Did he make it?”

“Yeah, yeah he did. I didn’t… I didn’t do it because I needed him for my case, you know, I did it because it was the right thing to do.”

Eddie glanced at him briefly at that. “I know that, Buck.” His eyes focused on his stitches again. “What happened to your eyebrow?”

“One of my agents pushed me down and I banged my head. It’s why I had to call you. I would have gotten a cab, but the doctor wouldn’t let me.” His voice trailed off. 

5 minutes out. 

“They wouldn’t let me get over to the victim for the longest time.”

“They were just looking out for you, Buck.” 

The silence made Eddie’s mind spiral. It was like Buck couldn’t even think that someone might want to protect him the same way he was so willingly putting his life on the line. He thought back to Buck coming to the station on his own for Chimney’s birthday and suddenly he wanted to know if Buck was going out in the streets every day without someone watching his back. 

“I never asked. Have they assigned you a new partner?”

“No, I told them not to. We’re here.” Buck unbuckled his seatbelt even before Eddie’s car had gotten to a complete stop. 

“Buck…”

“I can take care of myself.”

“Clearly.” He hadn’t meant for it to sound so sarcastic, but he couldn’t help it. 

Buck stopped with his hand poised on the handle, eyes focused and dark when he looked at him. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“You know what I mean. You could have died today.”

“Yeah but I didn’t.”

“Because you had someone there watching out for you.” He thought about Athena getting hurt, about that story he had heard of her getting kidnapped on Valentine’s day, of the call they had to respond to where they found her barely alive. “Your job will get you killed one of these days.”

“That’s rich coming from you.” He threw the car door open and slammed it shut once he was out and Eddie knew he was not going to ask him to go inside. 

“Listen, I don’t want to fight.”

“Then let’s not.” He leaned in through the window. “Thank you for coming to pick me up. I didn’t want Maddie to see me like this and yours is the only other number I know by heart.” 

“You can always call me, Buck.” 

“I’ll see you around, Eddie.” He turned around and left. 

Eddie couldn’t figure out how things had gotten so wrong so fast. He wanted to go back to a few days ago, lounging on the sofa with Buck, the content smile on his face while he teased Eddie. He didn’t look away until Buck had disappeared safely inside the building. 

He headed home, stomach heavy with regret. 

***

Between work and spending time with Christopher, a week went by before Eddie let himself think about Buck again. His phone had remained silent, his calls gone unanswered. The more he thought about it, the more Eddie was starting to feel as if things couldn’t go back to the way they were before, that Buck was shutting him out. Now that he was being faced with the reality of Buck not being in their lives anymore, he took it all back, all the doubts telling him now was better than down the line, it was too late already. He had told his therapist once that he wanted Chris to be better than him, that he didn’t want his son to be someone who hid his feelings, and in that moment Eddie felt like an hypocrite, if he wanted that for Christopher, he would have to lead by example, he knew that.

On his first day off in what felt like a lifetime, Eddie called Carla over and ended up almost regretting it the minute she was sitting across from him at the kitchen table, cup of tea in her hand, and a wary look on her face. 

Eddie figured it was best to cut right to the chase. “I need your help.” 

Carla took a slow sip and then lowered her mug. “Huh-uh, go on.”

“It’s Buck.”

“Oh, I know, boo.” She drummed her fingers on the table, pursuing her lips in contemplation. “I want to hear your version of things because that boy can get it twisted sometimes. So, what did you do?”

“He won’t return my calls.” Eddie sighed frustratedly. “He called me, the night of the earthquake because he needed help and I went. I was worried okay, and I think I ended up making him feel guilty for something that is not his fault.”

Carla stared at him for the longest time to the point where Eddie started fidgeting in his seat. He just wanted her to tell him how to fix it, that’s all he needed. 

“He’s been swamped at work,” she finally relented, “and he’s been keeping an eye on Riley.”

Eddie racked his brain in search of any time Buck might have mentioned that name but came up blank. “Riley?”

“Luke and Joe’s kid. He’s been taking a few days off to help while Luke goes back to work.”

He didn’t know. Buck was always showing him one thing and hiding three others. He reminded himself that the last time Buck had tried to open up to him, he had left the room; this was on him not on Buck. The only thing that mattered now was fixing it, no more looking back and beating himself up for the past. 

“How do I make it better?”

“You have to talk to him, make sure he listens.” Her expression softened, pity now evident in her eyes. “Won’t be easy, you’ll have to swim through a sea of deflection.”

“I’m not sure how to do that right now. He’s so stubborn you know?” 

“I have an idea about it, yes. You know who else is stubborn?”

Eddie rolled his eyes and ignored her pointed look. “I don’t know what to say to him. I feel like we take one step forward and a hundred back.”

“Maybe you should share something with him, something meaningful. Throw him a lifeline, you know?”

He had known all along that he would have to do that in the end, that the only way to show Buck that he’d be there for him just as much as Buck had been there for him, would be to share something. 

He stared at the dark liquid in his cup, tried to guess what Buck was doing at that moment, and hated not knowing, not being able to reach out. He slumped down on his seat, eyes flicking up to where Carla was regarding him with understanding. 

“Do you think you can tell me his apartment number?” 

Her lips stretched into a pleased smile as if she had been waiting for him to get his head out of his ass. 

“Don’t make me regret it.” 

Eddie wished he could make that promise. 

Afterward, once he had dropped Chris off with Pepa and had driven around Buck’s block at least five times, he finally parked in front of the building. He could see Buck’s jeep parked outside so he knew he’d be home. He felt like a bundle of nerves that could implode at any second. 

He thought about texting Buck just to make sure that he hadn’t gone out for a walk with Bear but he was afraid that would just result in Buck telling him not to come over, so he just sat in his truck and waited. An elderly lady came out of the building, pulling along a shopping trolley; Eddie was still parked there when she came back an hour later. 

His phone buzzed on the seat next to him, a text from Carla asking him if he had spoken to Buck yet; that gave him the final push to get out and walk inside. He forwent the lift in lieu of taking the six flights of stairs, telling himself all the while that he was not stalling. 

Once he had reached the right floor, he stood outside Buck’s door, eyes staring at the black paint and silver numbers, hand half raised to knock. Maybe it was too late, maybe Buck was busy, maybe he shouldn’t have come without letting him know, maybe, maybe, maybe… 

His hand moved to knock before Eddie’s brain caught up with him. He knocked twice and then twice more before he heard Bear barking inside just before the door swung open revealing a shirtless and confused Buck who stared at him, eyes squinting in the light coming from the alleyway. 

“Eds?”

He cleared his throat, tried to stand straighter, to not look as scared as he was feeling. This was Buck, nothing to be scared of, just Buck. 

“I’m sorry.”

Buck’s confused face melted into something softer that Eddie couldn’t name. 

“Wanna come inside?” He stepped to the side, holding the door wide open, eyes never looking away. 

As he stepped inside and Buck closed the door behind them, the apartment plunged into semi-darkness, the only light coming in from the streetlights shining through the balcony’s windows; Eddie couldn’t help but let his eyes roam over Buck’s exposed chest. 

The thing was, as unsure as Eddie might be on whether his feelings were about Buck or were influenced by whatever he felt any time he saw how easily Buck and Chris got along, he couldn’t deny that he found Buck attractive. And it wasn’t just the broad shoulders and long legs, it was the way Buck carried himself with confidence and a little bit of bravado but mindful of not using his size to intimidate. Now, standing in his apartment, Eddie’s eyes weren’t focused on the defined muscles on display but the scars littering Buck’s torso. 

Buck had what was obviously a gunshot scar on his left shoulder (one that closely resembled the same Eddie had in that same spot), one in the middle of his chest where Carla liked to always pat him whenever they saw each other, and another one on his right flank. Then there was a thin jagged line that ran through the middle of his abs. He had known Buck had been shot, he hadn’t known the extent of the injuries. What caught, even more, his attention, however, was the fading green and purple of the bruise right in the middle of his chest, a few inches away from his scar.

He narrowed his eyes, looked up into Buck’s face. “I thought you said you didn’t get shot.”

“I had a vest.” He had the nerve to shrug and Eddie wanted to grab him and shook some sense into him. 

He felt as if he was living an out of body experience as he saw himself raise a hand as if to touch, but even before he could pull back and apologize, Buck was retreating, stumbling back a little before turning around and jogging up the stairs. 

Bear came over to him, snout bumping against his hand searching for the treats Eddie was always feeding him on the sly. 

“Sorry buddy, I didn’t bring you anything,” he apologized, scratching behind his ear the way Bear loved. 

Eddie let his eyes wander around despite the darkness, taking in the big sleek kitchen standing to his right and then the stairs that led to a loft where he guessed Buck’s room might be. 

He wanted to call out to Buck or maybe go check on him but he could give him space for now because they were in the same apartment and this time Eddie wasn’t going to duck out of a confrontation and Buck couldn’t very well leave his own place, right? 

Bear scurried up the stairs and Eddie could hear Buck’s soft voice whispering to him. He turned away, looked for the switch, and turned the light on. As he had suspected, the place was open plan, he could see a tv and a sofa in the far back of the downstairs floor, and a balcony where two chairs and a table sat between a lot more plants than he’d knew how to keep alive. 

Buck came down the stairs and he brushed past Eddie, heading to the fridge. “Want a beer?”

“No.” 

As much as Buck wouldn’t look at him, Eddie couldn’t look away from him, from the tense line of his shoulders, the stiff way he was holding his whole body. 

“Buck, can we talk?” 

He slammed the fridge door closed, let his hand rest against it. “Eddie…”

“I don’t do this.” The words tumbled out of his mouth and Buck looked at him from over his shoulder; it felt like a déjà vu of when they were standing in his kitchen except that this time Eddie wasn’t going to hide. “I don’t do speeches,” he gestured between them, “don’t do this sharing thing.” 

“I’m sorry I made you feel uncomfortable.” 

He had known this wasn’t going to be easy and that was okay, Eddie didn’t want easy. “Why doesn’t Maddie know that we’re friends?” 

Buck looked guilty for a moment, his eyes widening imperceptibly before he looked away. He turned around, shrugging as he finally faced Eddie fully. “Maddie is a meddler; she would have an opinion about this.”

“Okay.” Eddie could understand having a meddling family better than anyone else. “Would she have a bad opinion about it?”

“I don’t know.” Buck shrugged defeatedly, walking around the counter and coming to stand close to Eddie. “She means well, always does, but she can be overprotective sometimes and I don’t want to hear it. Not now. She will say something about me always throwing myself into things and how I shouldn't be spending so much time with you and getting attached so soon after losing Joe. She'd think I'm avoiding dealing with his death."

His words fed Eddie’s fear that Buck and he had gotten so close so fast because they had both lost someone and Buck didn’t know how to cope with his grief. Eddie searched his eyes because Buck was good at avoiding talking about something, but his eyes never lied, his emotions always flickering just under the surface. 

“And would she be right?”

Buck held his gaze, frowning slightly in bewilderment. “No, no Eddie, she wouldn’t.”

He stepped closer to Buck, needed him to know that Eddie meant what he said next. “You need to stop pulling this shit, alright? You can’t keep disappearing when we fight because this is probably not the last time that’s going to happen.”

“I don’t think we should hang out anymore.”

Eddy really wanted to shake some sense into Buck, yell ‘fuck that’ and make Buck see. “No, you need to listen to me.”

Buck pulled away at once, turning around and heading to the stairs again before stopping and starting to pace. "People make mistakes, Eddie! I make mistakes, all the time.” 

“And you think that I don’t?” 

This wasn’t what he had come over for. He was going to apologize, make it better, but his reactions went from zero to a hundred so fast around Buck, no grasp on how to handle what Buck made him feel. Suddenly, he felt himself give in to the anger and sadness, Buck and Shannon mixing in his mind. 

"You can't keep coming and going doesn't matter how shitty it gets, okay? You said you were going to stay this time."

 _‘Sometimes people get mad at you because they can't get mad at who they want’_ Buck’s voice echoed in his mind.

Buck scoffed, apparently not getting what Eddie was trying to say at all. "Yeah, that was before I tried to be real with you for a second and you freaked out.” His shoulders slumped, he stopped in front of Eddie, eyes downcast. “I don't know how to talk to you sometimes."

Eddie couldn’t stop himself, laughed mockingly. "Really, you don’t know how to talk to me?"

"Eddie..."

"No, you don't get it."

"That's because you don't let me get it and I'm trying, I'm really trying to tell you stuff, but this won't work if you're so guarded all the time."

And that was what it came down to. If they both had abandonment issues if Eddie kept holding the ghost of Shannon against Buck, then where did that leave them. Buck didn't talk about what he was feeling, and Eddie was careful with sharing only things that wouldn't give too much away. Buck was there for everyone, always, for Maddie, and Joe's husband even when Luke was holding his partner's death over Buck's head and he wanted to be the person that was there for Buck.

“Chris asked about you today.” That was a low blow and he knew it but he needed Buck to understand, to see that he was important for them even if Eddie didn’t know how to talk about it yet. 

"He misses, Bear, huh?"

And it hit Eddie like a brick to the face. Buck hadn't, not even for a moment, entertained the idea that someone might miss him, that him not being around would be noticed. 

"Buck...” It was now or never, he had to make Buck understand where he was coming from. “A few days ago, you asked me to tell you something nobody else knows. The only other person to know this is dead, so,” he echoed the words Buck had said to him. “Shannon was going to divorce me,” he held Buck’s surprised gaze. He wasn’t sure whether Buck was surprised about the fact or that Eddie was willingly sharing. “Before she died. She was always going to leave. So, you can’t keep walking away, if you’re mad at me, stay around and be mad at me.” 

This was not what he had wanted to say, but he had learned a while ago that sometimes you’d think you’d be able to tell someone how important they were on a different day and then that day never came. He wasn’t going to let them walk away from each other unless he knew that was what they both wanted. 

Buck’s eyes held his gaze and Eddie swore he could read so much in them. _I see you; I’m not leaving…_ It was wishful thinking; Eddie was well aware of that.

"I'm sorry, okay? I feel like I'm always the one saying it, but I mean it,” Buck finally said. “And Eddie, you've gotta believe me. I don’t do this on purpose, I just… people don’t usually want to stick around for the bad days.” 

And that broke any resolve Eddie had on maintain some sort of distance between them. It was an unstoppable impulse when he closed the distance between them in a quick stride. His hand fisted the front of Buck's shirt and pulled him in up against his chest.

"Eddie." Buck's voice was nothing more than a whisper, but it was so loud to Eddie's ears, a vice grip around his heart until all Eddie could think or feel was this moment, Buck pressed up tightly against him; very few things in his life had ever felt this right. 

He had to make sure that whatever he felt was about him and Buck, be that anger of happiness, not about Shannon, not about fixing up a family for Christopher. It had to be about him choosing Buck because he knew Buck loved Christopher, he didn’t need to test him on that, he needed to know that he’d be able to give Buck what he needed, what he deserved. He could be in their life as a friend, he already was part of their family, but if Eddie wanted more than he needed to accept his feelings and he needed Buck to be around for that, no more running. He knew that Buck deserved better and Eddie was going to become what he deserved and had to have faith that would be enough. 

Buck stood stiff in his embrace and Eddie shifted his weight, started pulling back, an apology already forming on his lips, but Buck’s arms closed around him doing his best to tuck himself in despite their height difference, leaning his forehead on Eddie’s shoulder, his breath warm against Eddie’s skin. His hands fisted into the material of Eddie’s t-shirt and Eddie let his eyes close, tightened his arms around Buck and breathed him in.

“Tell me something about yourself?” Eddie asked, quietly, trying to dislodge the lump stuck in his throat.

Buck pulled back but not away, Eddie’s hands sliding from his back to rest on his hips. “What do you want to know?”

Eddie smiled. “Whatever you want to tell me.”

Buck stared at him and Eddie let him. He was done hiding away.

“I don’t want a new partner because I still miss Joe every day. He…” Buck glanced away for a moment, took a step back so Eddie wasn’t touching him anymore. “When I first joined the unit, he and I used to…” He cleared his throat, looked at Eddie as if scared he was going to be judged for whatever he said next. “We used to be together, a few times. It wasn’t serious, huh, for him. Then he met Luke and you know, got married and everything.”

The way he said it made Eddie want to pull him into another hug, could hear what Buck wasn’t saying - _he picked him for something serious, I wasn’t enough…_ \- wished he could bring Joe back to life just to scream at him.

“It took us a while to get over all the awkwardness and be able to be friends. Ever since then, I have stuck to what I know.”

Eddie frowned. “What do you mean?”

“He knew me better than anyone else and we couldn’t make it work so, you know,” Buck shrugged, turned away and went to sit on the stairs. “I figured what’s the point.”

Eddie stared at him feeling as if he was finally seeing Buck for the first time. Buck was always kind and he had no doubt he had been the same with Joe and to have that not be enough, Eddie wasn’t surprised that Buck sometimes felt the need to hide what he was feeling, would pull away instead of letting someone share his burdens. And Eddie thought it said so much about what type of person Buck was that he’d had everyone’s back even when no one had his.

“Is that why you said you can’t stop helping out Luke?”

Buck nodded, eyes pleading with Eddie to understand. “He was my best friend before everything else and afterwards, he made me promise I would look after Luke and Riley if anything ever happened. I have to.”

Eddie walked over and sat down next to Buck, let their shoulders brush together, kept his eyes trained on the side of his face. The burgundy t-shirt he was wearing was baggy on him and looked well worn, a hole on the shoulder, his feet bare. He looked impossibly young and Eddie wanted to make him smile again.

“I can see why he’d make you promise that, but Buck, if Luke keeps taking it out on you, that’s not okay, Joe wouldn’t want that.”

“I know.” Buck’s voice trembled with emotions. He looked up and let Eddie see the sadness in his eyes, the unshed tears, let Eddie see _him_. “But he needs help and I can’t just do nothing.”

That was the most Buck thing Eddie had ever heard him say and Eddie chose to let it go for now. He pressed his shoulder against Buck’s, let him know he was there if he needed him. He rubbed his hands over his thighs just so he could stop himself from touching Buck.

“Why didn’t you want to come inside the fire station the other day?”

Buck shrugged. “I didn’t want to ruin the mood.”

“What do you mean?”

“Sometimes I don’t feel like being around people, that’s all. I only came over because Maddie asked me and…” he trailed off, standing up and turning to head to the kitchen again.

Eddie followed him. “And?” He had to know.

“Nothing, can I get you a beer now that you’re not shouting at me anymore?”

“Buck…” Eddie reached around him, pushing the fridge door close and caging Buck in. “And what?”

“And I wanted to see you.” The confession came out in nothing more than a whisper. “I was having a shitty day and… and I wanted to see you.”

Eddie let his arms close around Buck’s waist, leaned his forehead against the back of Buck’s neck, pulled him back so he could rest against Eddie. He could feel Buck tensing in his hold before his hands came up to cover Eddie’s where they rested on his stomach and he relaxed. He always wanted to be the person Buck wanted to see on a bad day because God knew that was who Buck was for him.

“I always want to see you,” he confessed back.

No more running away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, commenting and leaving kudos, it means the world to me! As always, if you want to, you can find me on Tumblr @hawthornsybil let me know what you thought of the second part. Hope I didn't let anyone down :)

**Author's Note:**

> I've written and rewritten this at least a dozen times, so here, have it! I've been writing scripts for so long that the first draft for this was just scenes and dialogues and felt choppy. I hope you guys enjoyed this first part and that I'm writing it believably enough. 
> 
> Also the call they meet on at the star, it's inspired by an episode on Chicago Fire because I'm obsessed with that show. 
> 
> If you want, you can find me on Tumblr @hawthornsybil This is the longest thing I've written in years so I'm nervous haha anyway!


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